Since my artery dissection & stroke I've been very worried about my healing. I've been afraid to turn my neck-what if I do more damage to the artery? I've been afraid to go down the stairs-what if I fall and hurt my neck? Every headache scares me-what if it's something bad, horrible? I have 4 kids-what would they do without their mom? I worry that if the artery gets torn more "I'm toast!" as I say. I'm nervous driving-what if we get hit, what damage will it do to my artery? I have so many worries right now. So many.
I usually keep them hidden from most people. A few times I've let someone see my struggles. They see me fall apart. For the most part I can put on a good show that I'm doing good, I'm fine, feeling stronger, handling things well, that it'll just take time and I'm alright with that.
I became very worried about waiting until May to see my neurologist. That was too long to wait. That was too far out. I wanted to be seen sooner. I called & left a message to get in sooner. No response. I emailed and asked for a sooner appointment. They got me in for today.
Walking into the hospital was the farthest I've walked in a month. By the time we got there I was tired and my head was really bothering me. My blood pressure was elevated. I worried that my blood pressure was a problem and could be causing more damage to the artery. I wasn't feeling good when the doctor came and got us. She had me do to toe walking, heel walking, tip toe and walk heel to toe. I did good-really good actually.
In the room she asked how I was doing. I instantly started crying. I told her I was really struggling.
Here's where things went down a different path then expected.
She asked me if I was depressed. Yes I am. I am very depressed. I've lost my independence. I can't take care of my family. I had 2 sick kids last week and I couldn't even take them to the doctor by myself. By the time the kids are in bed and the house is quiet I'm exhausted mentally, emotionally & physically. I'm spent. I'm overwhelmed with me life. I can't handle my life right now.
I told her my pinky doesn't work. She told me it does work. My brain just won't let it.
I told her I get light headed playing the piano. She said it's not stroke related- but rather stress & depression related.
WHAT
WHY-then why if my body works, why won't it do what I want it to do.
WHY does everything overwhelm me?
WHY can't I function like before?
WHY can't I handle my life anymore?
WHY do I get tired so easily?
WHY?
She feels that my depression & stress are causing my body to not heal the stroke symptoms. I have a 'block' in my mind that I can't get around. She thinks because of everything that's happened I now am dealing with Post traumatic stress disorder and depression that's spiraling out of control.
I wasn't in a war, but I had a major traumatic event that has stopped my progress in life. Actually if you've known our family-we've had many major events in our lives that I seemed to have gotten through just fine. Or at least that's the way I made it seem & how I made myself feel.
Until I get the stress & depression under control my body won't & can't heal itself.
WHAT???
She told me I could be driving and doing everything like before. My body physically can do it, but my brain can't and won't do it. If I do try to do everything like before I'll spiral down even more and I may never recover.
She thinks the stroke symptoms are accounting for 1% of what is going on with my body not working like before. Johann & I feel like it's more a 40/60 or 30/70 divide on why things aren't working. My coordination & balance issues weren't there before, but we're not neurologists.
I told her my worries about the artery getting more damaged. She told me to not think about it. If the artery were to close off, my body would make another path. She feels because I'm functioning at the level I am, I'm healing and have blood flow to my brain. She also feels like if I focus too much energy on worrying about the artery I'll spiral down even more. There's nothing I can do to heal the artery besides what I'm already doing. So worrying about the artery will only make things worse.
So what do I do?
-One thing is to talk with my therapist & general doctor. I may need to adjust my medicine and I need to see my therapist more-much more. Weekly if possible. I need more intense therapy right now. That may require changing therapists to one I can get into more often. That stresses me because I really like who I see.
-I need to be more real. I need to share more what I'm feeling. I need to get it out there. I need to talk with others. Blogging here is a good thing for me. I need to be more real with my writings though. I need to not show just the good days or the really big struggles. I need to show the every day. The great times, the break downs-more real feelings.
-I need to continue to try to get back into my normal life, but slowly like I've been doing. I still have to not lift heavy things, and use caution with lifting. She told me not to drive and do things that overwhelm me because it'll make everything worse.
-She asked me if I could leave the house and stay somewhere else to get away from everything. Johann has asked me the same thing. I just can't do it. I can't walk away from my family. It could help speed up my healing, but I can't do it. I can't leave my kids to be raised by others. (I think I have some control issues too!!)
-I go back in May for an MRI to check healing of the artery. Until then-I need to not worry about the artery.
HOW do I we live with less stress? That's the Million dollar question right now.
HOW do I get past my depression?
HOW do I move forward from here?
There was a lot for me to wrap my head around today. I feel like I'm wimping out now because I could be doing things like before and I can't. It makes me feel more depressed that I can't do so many things without feeling so overwhelmed. Why can others handle bad things in their lives and be alright with it. Why can't I do it?
I have lots of questions right now.
WHY did this happen to me?
HOW can I get past everything and move forward?
WHAT do I do to move forward & heal?
WHEN will things get better & back to "normal"?
I'm struggling to figure this all out myself. I feel very stalled. I feel. I don't know how I really feel. I just know I have to get better. I have to heal. I have 4 kids that need their mom healthy and happy. I have a husband who loves me and wants me around. I HAVE TO HEAL. I just need to figure out how. I need help figuring this all out.
4 comments:
I'm praying for you Kari! I think meds and talking to your doctor will help and then there's just time, which is so hard but necessary. Know that others are glad to be able to help!
I've tried to post three times now and the browser closes keeps closing on me half way through my post! Hopefully, I can get it all typed and published before it does it again...
This is what I have been trying to type:
Thank you for sharing your feelings and giving us all an update. Everybody's life has unique challenges and struggles as well as unique joys. How we cope/deal with these is unique too. No one (except Christ and Heavenly Father) has the perfect knowledge of what you are going through because you are the only one with your unique life, unique perspective, and unique strengths. YOU ARE NOT A WIMP. If my opinion matters at all, I think you and your family are doing well. That doesn't mean that I think you are perfect in your trials, none of us are. What it means is that you have your priorities straight; you know in whom to trust and in whom to lean on. All of us have highs and lows through adversity. This does not mean we are failures, it means we are learning and growing. You are already strong, but you are made stronger by those that you put around yourself. And, Kari, you have an army. :)
Dear Kari,
Both of the times I have been at your home recently, there is this amazing spirit there. It is noticably different. I don't know if it is because of the people loving and serving you, the prayers on your behalf, your own amazing family and the love they share and their righteousness, the angels who are ministering to you, or all of the above. The Lord is watching out for you and he is going to fill in the gaps that you may miss while you are healing.
THANK YOU FOR WRITING , Kari. I'm not yelling that but telling you deep-down-firmly that these words you write will help many of us plus the bonus of helping you see where you are, too, in all this. Blog on.
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