Today was the 1st of many BIG, hopefully very informative appointments to come in the next few weeks. This morning I had an appointment with a Neuro-ophthalmologist. My neurologist didn't think I needed to see one, but I felt that I needed to have a neurologist whose specializes in eyes check and give us confirmation on how my eyes were doing.
I was very impressed with everyone we met today. I had a visual field test that took a long time and was hard for me and the technician was very patient and gave me breaks as needed so that I could give my eyes and neck a break.
My neurologist seems to minimize everything from symptoms to concerns and it really bothers me. Yes there are many others who have had way worse strokes, but I had one too and for us this is a big thing.
No one made me feel that way today. No one minimized what I had been through. No one told me I shouldn't be there. Instead they looked at my MRI's and read my file before they came in to see me. They knew I had been through a big event and that I was there for a good reason. They were grateful that I was getting my eyes looked at.
Thankfully we got all good news!! The best thing they told us was that there's no lasting damage from the stroke!!! They were very interested in the results from the visual field test. The test showed that I have NO visual gaps. The told us that they were very surprised that I have no visual problems from the stroke because I had multiple little strokes in my optical lobe.
The 1st symptom after my stroke was a black spot with no vision and red & green squiggly lines in a horse shoe shape. This sounded absolutely normal for where my stoke was. They made me feel normal in my symptoms and concerns. They also said it was normal to see the visual disturbances on the left side while I had right side weakness, and that it was probably in both eyes and not just my left eye. They asked about tracking issues and testing my eyes separately right after the stroke, but I honestly couldn't remember either of them. I told them I was so stressed that I had to have Valium in the ER. The doctor told me he probably would have had needed some himself too. That made me feel like I wasn't going crazy with my feelings.
I was able to ask some other questions about my eyes. I told them I have black and white static all the time. It's called 'visual snow' and there is nothing I can do about it. It doesn't cause any problems, it's just bothersome. They told us that they see visual snow in a lot of migraine suffers like me. They brought up a website that simulated what someone with visual snow sees. I describe is as static on a tv set. Sometimes it's worse then other times. I've had it for as long as I can remember, so I've just learned to live with it.
I also have visual floaters. We didn't talk much about them, but they are also harmless and something I just have to deal with. I see them mostly in bright lights, and especially in the bright sun.
They told us my optical nerve and muscles in my eyes looks great. I have no signs of early cataracts or macular degenerative disease which I've been told runs in my moms side of the family.
We talk about my photo sensitivity or extreme sensitivity to light. They turned on the florescent lights and I had to close my eyes. I was reassured that after brain trauma that photo sensitivity is common and will get better with time. We talked about what I already do to lesson the light hurting my eyes. I wear sunglasses and hats alot of the time. I don't use overhead lights when I can avoid them, but use softer indirect lights. He told me that doing things in the dark will not make my eyes worse. If I need to read in a darker room to go ahead and do it without worry of making my eyes worse. That's a good thing because the darker the better right now.
Since the doctor was also a neurologist he prescribed me a medicine that I'll take every night before bed that is suppose to stop me from getting so many headaches. I see the doctors at the headache clinic on May 9th, and this way we can have 1 of the many different types of medicines tested out before the appointment. Also one of the side effects of this medicine is that It'll help me sleep better. A big positive for me right now!
I'm going to go see another ophthalmologist that specialized in lenses. They can test me and see what color light I am most sensitive to, and I can get sunglasses made that will stop the light wave from bothering me so much. They'll hopefully be even better for me then my polarized glasses. I'm excited to try to lesson my sensitivity to light.
I have been so impressed with almost every doctor & nurse at the University of Iowa Hospital. I had always just gone there for specialists and done everything else through Mercy hospital affiliated doctors. I look back and see the blessings from not being able to get into my regular doctors office and needing to receive care at the University hospital instead last October. Since all my information is on my file there, any new doctor I see there knows my history and takes my concerns seriously from the beginning. I'm grateful I was established with my care there before my stroke happened. It's made all the appointments so much easier.
Monday, April 21, 2014
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Learning to love my own two feet
Today marks 8 weeks since my artery dissection and stroke. 95% of my physical symptoms are no longer visible. I'm still dealing with hyper-sensitivity to light and my left eye seems blurrier then before. This especially happens in the evening as I get tired. I also find when I get stressed or really tired that my right side weakness resurfaces.
This past week I've pushed myself to do some pretty big things for me. I drove myself to the doctor, then to the music store. I've been making dinner a few nights and have been on my own with the kids for a few weeks now. I drove the boys home from baseball practice, grandma drove there since it was at 5:30 and the roads were busier. Today I went to the grocery store (a smaller less crowded one) on my own then picked Rebecca and her buddy up from preschool and drove Ammon to Taekwondo this afternoon.
This past week I've pushed myself to do some pretty big things for me. I drove myself to the doctor, then to the music store. I've been making dinner a few nights and have been on my own with the kids for a few weeks now. I drove the boys home from baseball practice, grandma drove there since it was at 5:30 and the roads were busier. Today I went to the grocery store (a smaller less crowded one) on my own then picked Rebecca and her buddy up from preschool and drove Ammon to Taekwondo this afternoon.
All these things have stretched and challenged me. Unfortunately after each time I've pushed myself I've suffered some sort of effect from them. I've gotten nauseous (even driving sometimes), dizzy, headaches or fatigue. I keep pushing myself to do more and get back into my normal routine. I'm taking small steps everyday and some of these steps are harder then others. Every few days I have to take the day off and just give myself extra rest and recovery time. I have a whopper of a headache tonight from doing so much today, but thankfully the house is quiet and I can rest.
I saw my regular doctor this week. We had the normal talk about how I've been feeling, how the medicine doses are, what I need from her and talked about my homework. One thing we talked about was church and my faith. I'm struggling to know what I believe right now. Yes I still believe in Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. I know they love me and answer prayers. What I'm struggling with is understanding how someone (Heavenly Father) who loves me so much keep allowing such hard things to keep happening to us.
When I look back over the years since I 1st dealt with postpartum depression I realized I've been burying my struggles. When Ammon got sick, I was silently struggling. Just over a year later when Simeon got leukemia I again silently struggled. They were struggles that I hid from not just others but also myself. It just seems that every new struggle that's come my way I've buried it with the thinking maybe of 'out of sight, out of mind'. Having this trial happened directly to me has unearthed all those feelings I've been hiding for years. Or you could say my stroke was the straw that broken the camels back, or the drop that over flowed my bucket, or the blow that knocked the tree down. Anyway you want to put it I've had enough. My heart has had enough. My body has had enough. My spirit has had enough. I've had enough and I'm tired. I'm tired of hiding from the pain. I'm tired of hiding behind a smile. I'm tired of acting like everything is fine. I'm tired of saying I understand why these trails keep coming our way. I'm tired of thinking that I'm strong. Because you know what-I'm not strong. Not always. I fall down and don't get right back up. I cry and the tears don't stop. I hurt and I can't stop the pain. Right now I have a hole in me right where my faith that this trial is happening for good reasons, and I'll be made stronger because of it, and I'm learning some great and marvelous lessons is. I'm not sure of the why or how comes right now. I know that I'm frustrated, and scared and not sure where to turn.
When I look back over the years since I 1st dealt with postpartum depression I realized I've been burying my struggles. When Ammon got sick, I was silently struggling. Just over a year later when Simeon got leukemia I again silently struggled. They were struggles that I hid from not just others but also myself. It just seems that every new struggle that's come my way I've buried it with the thinking maybe of 'out of sight, out of mind'. Having this trial happened directly to me has unearthed all those feelings I've been hiding for years. Or you could say my stroke was the straw that broken the camels back, or the drop that over flowed my bucket, or the blow that knocked the tree down. Anyway you want to put it I've had enough. My heart has had enough. My body has had enough. My spirit has had enough. I've had enough and I'm tired. I'm tired of hiding from the pain. I'm tired of hiding behind a smile. I'm tired of acting like everything is fine. I'm tired of saying I understand why these trails keep coming our way. I'm tired of thinking that I'm strong. Because you know what-I'm not strong. Not always. I fall down and don't get right back up. I cry and the tears don't stop. I hurt and I can't stop the pain. Right now I have a hole in me right where my faith that this trial is happening for good reasons, and I'll be made stronger because of it, and I'm learning some great and marvelous lessons is. I'm not sure of the why or how comes right now. I know that I'm frustrated, and scared and not sure where to turn.
On numerous occasions I've asked Johann if we could just move our lives to Florida. My thinking is if we move somewhere different and somewhere warm (I'm a California girl-not a naive Iowan) then our struggles and stresses would disappear. Of course he's always the down to earth kind of guy and tells me that moving our lives to Florida won't make the stresses of life just disappear. RATS! Double RATS!!
A few weeks back I came upon a the blog The Moments We Stand and I was instantly drawn to it. At first I was drawn to the tragic events that led Ashlee to start her blog, then the love story of her and Emmett captured me, but then I was in complete awe of her faith and strength. One of her blog entries she talked about wanting to move and that moving would get them away from all the sad memories. She went on to say: "There is a part of the movie Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs where the main character, Flint, has sprayed his invention called 'Spray on shoes' on to his feet and he realizes that he is never going to be able to take it off. He describes his frustration, "I wanted to run away that day... but you can't run away from your own feet!" "
Now when I feel like running away from the stresses or frustrations in my life I say "I can't run away from my own feet!" It reminds me that even moving to Florida and enjoying the sun, sand & warmth I'd still have the everyday stresses. But hey maybe I'd be warmer while figuring them out! Since moving to the sun, warmth and sand of Florida (or another warm coastal place) isn't going to magically make life seem easier, I've got to figure this out on my own.
Today my therapist and I talked about why I struggle with going from being so happy to low as low can be in 60 seconds flat. We talked about the foundation of a person or better know as 'The Hierarchy of Needs'. There are 5 levels -
Goals
Self-esteem
Love/Belonging
Safety/Security
Survival
Look at it from the bottom up like a stepping stair pyramid with survival as the most basic block.
In my "survival" foundation brick I'm doing alright, except with sleep. Sleep and I don't seem to get along-it's been years of a love hate relationship with us! Right now I don't want to go to sleep and when I finally exhaust myself to the point I can't keep my eyes open any longer, I still lay there awake with my mind running full steam ahead, then I wake up the next morning tired and I repeat the cycle day in and day out.
It's in my "safety/security" level that I have some major cracks and holes. Think of it as walking on a cracked & potholed street. (For all you Iowa folks-think of the streets right now after our long, frigid winter.) If your well rested and paying attention you can get yourself across the street without tripping over a crack or falling into a hole. Now try it with your mind tired, occupied with stress, worry, anger, fear & questions. It's harder and you probably stumbled or even fell into a pothole. That's me. I'm full of cracks & potholes and I have so much going on in my mind that I can't pay attention and when I least expect it I trip or fall into a hole and get stuck back into the fright, flight or freeze mode.
So in real life what does tripping or falling look like-impatience with the kids, getting upset over a very small meaningless thing, taking something someone said too personal, having a minor symptom and making it into something too big, worry, fear, anger about my situation, frustration, walking through the grocery store like a rock with legs wearing sunglasses because it's too overwhelming. The big one the other night-1 kid rudely seeking to do something they disliked the answer to, later 2 kids fighting, dinner cooking, a messy kitchen, and I was tired and had already done too much that day. I had a need for sleep and quietness that wasn't met and I fell flat on my face-hard, and it hurt. I didn't fall down-not really-I yelled at the kids, told them dinner was off, sent them to their beds, ran to my room, locked the door and sobbed. Simeon made dinner, and Johann came home & took care of the kids.
I'm so caught up in my own worried mind that I'm not looking ahead of myself and I keep stumbling & falling. Until I can get past my fears and safety issues and can look up as I walk through life I'll have these cracks and holes that trip me and cause me to fall down. A small part of my struggles are starting to make sense to me.
Right now I need to get more sleep, exercise, get a massage and learn to love my feet again and to find a way to be happy with where they're at. The goal being that if I learn to love my feet more-or rather embrace our challenges and find a way to cope with them that is healthy and positive I will hopefully be in a better place emotional, mentally, spiritually & physically and better able to handle lives challenges.
A few weeks back I came upon a the blog The Moments We Stand and I was instantly drawn to it. At first I was drawn to the tragic events that led Ashlee to start her blog, then the love story of her and Emmett captured me, but then I was in complete awe of her faith and strength. One of her blog entries she talked about wanting to move and that moving would get them away from all the sad memories. She went on to say: "There is a part of the movie Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs where the main character, Flint, has sprayed his invention called 'Spray on shoes' on to his feet and he realizes that he is never going to be able to take it off. He describes his frustration, "I wanted to run away that day... but you can't run away from your own feet!" "
Now when I feel like running away from the stresses or frustrations in my life I say "I can't run away from my own feet!" It reminds me that even moving to Florida and enjoying the sun, sand & warmth I'd still have the everyday stresses. But hey maybe I'd be warmer while figuring them out! Since moving to the sun, warmth and sand of Florida (or another warm coastal place) isn't going to magically make life seem easier, I've got to figure this out on my own.
Today my therapist and I talked about why I struggle with going from being so happy to low as low can be in 60 seconds flat. We talked about the foundation of a person or better know as 'The Hierarchy of Needs'. There are 5 levels -
Goals
Self-esteem
Love/Belonging
Safety/Security
Survival
Look at it from the bottom up like a stepping stair pyramid with survival as the most basic block.
In my "survival" foundation brick I'm doing alright, except with sleep. Sleep and I don't seem to get along-it's been years of a love hate relationship with us! Right now I don't want to go to sleep and when I finally exhaust myself to the point I can't keep my eyes open any longer, I still lay there awake with my mind running full steam ahead, then I wake up the next morning tired and I repeat the cycle day in and day out.
It's in my "safety/security" level that I have some major cracks and holes. Think of it as walking on a cracked & potholed street. (For all you Iowa folks-think of the streets right now after our long, frigid winter.) If your well rested and paying attention you can get yourself across the street without tripping over a crack or falling into a hole. Now try it with your mind tired, occupied with stress, worry, anger, fear & questions. It's harder and you probably stumbled or even fell into a pothole. That's me. I'm full of cracks & potholes and I have so much going on in my mind that I can't pay attention and when I least expect it I trip or fall into a hole and get stuck back into the fright, flight or freeze mode.
So in real life what does tripping or falling look like-impatience with the kids, getting upset over a very small meaningless thing, taking something someone said too personal, having a minor symptom and making it into something too big, worry, fear, anger about my situation, frustration, walking through the grocery store like a rock with legs wearing sunglasses because it's too overwhelming. The big one the other night-1 kid rudely seeking to do something they disliked the answer to, later 2 kids fighting, dinner cooking, a messy kitchen, and I was tired and had already done too much that day. I had a need for sleep and quietness that wasn't met and I fell flat on my face-hard, and it hurt. I didn't fall down-not really-I yelled at the kids, told them dinner was off, sent them to their beds, ran to my room, locked the door and sobbed. Simeon made dinner, and Johann came home & took care of the kids.
I'm so caught up in my own worried mind that I'm not looking ahead of myself and I keep stumbling & falling. Until I can get past my fears and safety issues and can look up as I walk through life I'll have these cracks and holes that trip me and cause me to fall down. A small part of my struggles are starting to make sense to me.
Right now I need to get more sleep, exercise, get a massage and learn to love my feet again and to find a way to be happy with where they're at. The goal being that if I learn to love my feet more-or rather embrace our challenges and find a way to cope with them that is healthy and positive I will hopefully be in a better place emotional, mentally, spiritually & physically and better able to handle lives challenges.
Friday, March 28, 2014
Pushing myself
The last week I'm been pushing myself to do new things. And the side effect of these new adventures is usually nauseousness during then exhaustion afterwards.
It feels good to get out and do some of the regular things I did before.
Tuesday I went to the mall play area to help celebrate a friends birthday. I got a ride both ways-it's too far for me to drive right now. It was alot of fun and I felt great the whole time there. I even went into Old Navy and got myself a new sweatshirt. I didn't get overwhelmed by the kids running around or noise. The next day I was toast though. I ended up taking a nap and stayed in my pj's for a good chunk of the day.
Today I had my LAST physical therapy appointment!!! WAHOO!! Seven weeks & 1 day since my stroke and I've advanced so much that there isn't a lot I can do there anymore. We reviewed things I could do at home to further my progress. My large motor skills are doing good. It's the fine motor skills I still need to improve. I'm struggling with getting my credit card out of my wallet, paying, signing, then putting the card back. I feel very uncoordinated and clumsy whenever I check out at a store. I struggle with signing my name and I'm not completely sure why. I'm not sure if I get physically tired or if it's a mental block, or a combination of both. My right hand sometimes still curls up into it's self in an unnatural position.
I get nauseous driving, just not as much as before. I can drive and have been expanding my range this week. I'm having a hard time backing up. I don't like to turn my head so I need to turn my whole upper body, and I get dizzy from turning my head. I've learned to park farther away from other cars, so I can pull through or having more room to back up.
After physcial therapy I went to my 1st store alone. It went good. It was a small quiet store so I was able to walk down all the isles and not feel overwhelmed. I went to Goodwill to drop a few bags off and to look around inside.
Going to the grocery store is harder for me to do. We went down a few isles and did great then I started to feel so overwhelmed. I needed to put my sunglasses on and get out of there as fast as possible. I helped Rebecca get into the back of the cart, but by the time we were done I was so tired. I ended asking a worker to pick her out of the cart for me. I'm grateful our store will load your groceries into your car for you, because there was no way I was going to be able to push the cart out and load them myself.
Medically-I'm struggling with my neurologist. She minimizes everything I talk to her about, or finds another thing to put them onto. I'm struggling with hyper-sensitivity to light. She says it's from my migraines and I don't need to see a neuro-ophthalmologist about my eyes. I haven't heard anything about seeing the headache clinic so I asked her about it. She told me the doctor moved out of the state so I should do a 1 day study and see if that helps.
I was feeling frustrated being so pushed aside from her that I went ahead and emailing the headache clinic and the neuro-ophthalmologist myself. The headache clinic told me I'm on the waiting list and the wait time is 6-9 months! Yikes. I need to do something before 6-9 months or I might just end up back in the same boat I'm in now. I sent the neuro-ophthalmologist a long email telling them what had happened after the stroke with the blind spot & zig-zag lines and that I'm still dealing with some blurriness in my left eye and hyper sensitivity to light. They took me seriously and got me in on April 21st. I'm grateful they took my concerns seriously.
Mentally I still need to take it slowly. The kids are learning to repeat, repeat, give me more back ground info, repeat again and to show me things rather then just tell me and to be more patient with me. We've been blessed with some pretty great kids!
Everyday I'm moving forward and feeling confident in my abilities. I'm so grateful for the progress I've made this far.
It feels good to get out and do some of the regular things I did before.
Tuesday I went to the mall play area to help celebrate a friends birthday. I got a ride both ways-it's too far for me to drive right now. It was alot of fun and I felt great the whole time there. I even went into Old Navy and got myself a new sweatshirt. I didn't get overwhelmed by the kids running around or noise. The next day I was toast though. I ended up taking a nap and stayed in my pj's for a good chunk of the day.
Today I had my LAST physical therapy appointment!!! WAHOO!! Seven weeks & 1 day since my stroke and I've advanced so much that there isn't a lot I can do there anymore. We reviewed things I could do at home to further my progress. My large motor skills are doing good. It's the fine motor skills I still need to improve. I'm struggling with getting my credit card out of my wallet, paying, signing, then putting the card back. I feel very uncoordinated and clumsy whenever I check out at a store. I struggle with signing my name and I'm not completely sure why. I'm not sure if I get physically tired or if it's a mental block, or a combination of both. My right hand sometimes still curls up into it's self in an unnatural position.
I get nauseous driving, just not as much as before. I can drive and have been expanding my range this week. I'm having a hard time backing up. I don't like to turn my head so I need to turn my whole upper body, and I get dizzy from turning my head. I've learned to park farther away from other cars, so I can pull through or having more room to back up.
After physcial therapy I went to my 1st store alone. It went good. It was a small quiet store so I was able to walk down all the isles and not feel overwhelmed. I went to Goodwill to drop a few bags off and to look around inside.
Going to the grocery store is harder for me to do. We went down a few isles and did great then I started to feel so overwhelmed. I needed to put my sunglasses on and get out of there as fast as possible. I helped Rebecca get into the back of the cart, but by the time we were done I was so tired. I ended asking a worker to pick her out of the cart for me. I'm grateful our store will load your groceries into your car for you, because there was no way I was going to be able to push the cart out and load them myself.
Medically-I'm struggling with my neurologist. She minimizes everything I talk to her about, or finds another thing to put them onto. I'm struggling with hyper-sensitivity to light. She says it's from my migraines and I don't need to see a neuro-ophthalmologist about my eyes. I haven't heard anything about seeing the headache clinic so I asked her about it. She told me the doctor moved out of the state so I should do a 1 day study and see if that helps.
I was feeling frustrated being so pushed aside from her that I went ahead and emailing the headache clinic and the neuro-ophthalmologist myself. The headache clinic told me I'm on the waiting list and the wait time is 6-9 months! Yikes. I need to do something before 6-9 months or I might just end up back in the same boat I'm in now. I sent the neuro-ophthalmologist a long email telling them what had happened after the stroke with the blind spot & zig-zag lines and that I'm still dealing with some blurriness in my left eye and hyper sensitivity to light. They took me seriously and got me in on April 21st. I'm grateful they took my concerns seriously.
Mentally I still need to take it slowly. The kids are learning to repeat, repeat, give me more back ground info, repeat again and to show me things rather then just tell me and to be more patient with me. We've been blessed with some pretty great kids!
Everyday I'm moving forward and feeling confident in my abilities. I'm so grateful for the progress I've made this far.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Finding the kid in me
I saw my new therapist today and I loved her. We got to know each other and see told me she can tell I'm a playful person. Years ago I used to love to play like a kid, but I've forgotten that fun side of me. A few weeks back all 4 of our kids were wet, muddy and having a great time. It was so typical of us. I let the kids get dirty and have fun, but not nearly as often as before.
Also she told me I'm a highly sensitive person, not sensitive in feelings (even though I am that too) but sensitive with my 5 senses, which is so true. She gave me some reading suggestions. One of the books talks about how to survive when the world overwhelms you. That is so me. Reading out of a book has been such a struggle for me since my stoke. I have to cover up the other page and part of the page I'm on, or I get overwhelmed by all the lines and letters. I'm going to figure out a way to read these because I know they could really help me.
After my appointment I walked to another building to check out a business. It felt and smelled amazing being outside. I loved it. It had rained and it was wet and man it smelled so good. I need to get outside more.
I'm going to see her weekly for a while to work through my stress, not just from my stroke, but from all the things we've gone through.
Just last week I asked Johann why do we have to have so many hard things happen to our family. Why can't we have it easier? Why do so many trails and struggles come to us? He didn't have an answer, but he understands where I'm coming from.
I think all the stressful things that have come our way have taken the playful spontaneous spirit out of me. I need to find that side of me and encourage it to come back out. I like to run, ride bikes, roller blade, play in the mud, make sand castles, swing high into the sky, climb rocks and hills, have picnics, go to zoo's and waterparks. I need to find the kid in me again. I know finding the kid in me again will help me feel more alive.
She suggested doing a mud run when I'm fully recovered. I would LOVE to do a mud run.
It's time to find the spontaneous fun loving kid in me again!
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Oxygen Masks
I've started to write down my feelings 3 times over the last 10 days and I wasn't able to get down what was really in my mind. I feel like I'm still struggling getting it out, but I've gotten something down.
The last few weeks I've been doing a lot of organizing, cleaning and clearing out in our house. I spent an entire day in the girls room. From top to bottom that room was gone through. At the end of the day I had an entire trash bag of trash, a trash bag of outgrown clothes of Rebecca's, a bag of outgrown Corrine clothes to save for Rebecca and a doesn't belong in here pile all put away.
Then I tackled my closet. I went through all my clothes and gave them a long hard look. I got rid of the ones I'd been holding onto until I lost those 20 pounds. I got rid of the ones I had because they were cute, but didn't really fit very good. I got rid of the ones I hadn't worn in years, but hadn't been able to let go of. In the end I had 3 trash bags full of clothes & shoes out of my closet, out of my way, out of my life. Now when I open my closet I only have clothes that I like and are comfortable wearing in there. There's elbow room. I can see what I have. I love the open feeling.
That's what I feel like I now need to do mentally. Over the years I've let things build up in my mind and heart. I've taken things too personally.
I've held onto guilt over things I've said or done.
I've held onto hurt feelings from years ago.
I've held onto insecurities.
I've held onto so much mental baggage that the weight I've put on myself is too much for me to bear anymore.
Just like my closet that's been de-cluttered, I need to do that mentally. I need to make some elbow room in myself. I need to get rid of the things that really don't matter, things that don't fit anymore, things that aren't bringing me joy. And then I need to find myself. For 13 years I put everything into being a mom to our 4 kids, that I forgot to be me. I let what I needed and wanted sit on the back burner and be ignored for so long that it didn't exist anymore. I lost sight of myself.
They tell you if you're traveling with little ones, to 1st put your oxygen mask on, then help the little ones with their masks. That's the same with motherhood and life. I needed to put on my oxygen mask before I put them on the kids. I needed to remember my needs and desires. I needed to remember that I wasn't just a wife and mom, that I was a daughter, a sister, a friend and a woman. I needed to take care of my basic needs before everyone else had their wants attended to.
I need to figure out who Kari is.
Who am I?
What do I like to do?
What makes me happy?
What are my talents?
What do I want to learn?
Where do I fit in?
It took me years of piling on baggage mental that it's going to take some time for me to get rid of it.
The wild side of me wants to scream and throw dishes shattering them into a million pieces. The good side of me tells me not to cause a scene and that if I broke the dishes I'd have to clean them up. It's a battle I'm fighting with myself right now.
I feel like Elsa from Frozen. Conceal, don't feel, don't let them in. I've done those for years. Now it's time to open up, feel and let others in. I just need to figure out how.
The last few weeks I've been doing a lot of organizing, cleaning and clearing out in our house. I spent an entire day in the girls room. From top to bottom that room was gone through. At the end of the day I had an entire trash bag of trash, a trash bag of outgrown clothes of Rebecca's, a bag of outgrown Corrine clothes to save for Rebecca and a doesn't belong in here pile all put away.
Then I tackled my closet. I went through all my clothes and gave them a long hard look. I got rid of the ones I'd been holding onto until I lost those 20 pounds. I got rid of the ones I had because they were cute, but didn't really fit very good. I got rid of the ones I hadn't worn in years, but hadn't been able to let go of. In the end I had 3 trash bags full of clothes & shoes out of my closet, out of my way, out of my life. Now when I open my closet I only have clothes that I like and are comfortable wearing in there. There's elbow room. I can see what I have. I love the open feeling.
That's what I feel like I now need to do mentally. Over the years I've let things build up in my mind and heart. I've taken things too personally.
I've held onto guilt over things I've said or done.
I've held onto hurt feelings from years ago.
I've held onto insecurities.
I've held onto so much mental baggage that the weight I've put on myself is too much for me to bear anymore.
Just like my closet that's been de-cluttered, I need to do that mentally. I need to make some elbow room in myself. I need to get rid of the things that really don't matter, things that don't fit anymore, things that aren't bringing me joy. And then I need to find myself. For 13 years I put everything into being a mom to our 4 kids, that I forgot to be me. I let what I needed and wanted sit on the back burner and be ignored for so long that it didn't exist anymore. I lost sight of myself.
They tell you if you're traveling with little ones, to 1st put your oxygen mask on, then help the little ones with their masks. That's the same with motherhood and life. I needed to put on my oxygen mask before I put them on the kids. I needed to remember my needs and desires. I needed to remember that I wasn't just a wife and mom, that I was a daughter, a sister, a friend and a woman. I needed to take care of my basic needs before everyone else had their wants attended to.
I need to figure out who Kari is.
Who am I?
What do I like to do?
What makes me happy?
What are my talents?
What do I want to learn?
Where do I fit in?
It took me years of piling on baggage mental that it's going to take some time for me to get rid of it.
The wild side of me wants to scream and throw dishes shattering them into a million pieces. The good side of me tells me not to cause a scene and that if I broke the dishes I'd have to clean them up. It's a battle I'm fighting with myself right now.
I feel like Elsa from Frozen. Conceal, don't feel, don't let them in. I've done those for years. Now it's time to open up, feel and let others in. I just need to figure out how.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
No more Driving Miss Daisy everywhere
I've already gotten one of my homework assignments done. WAHOO!! No procrastinating for me!
Johann was excited to take me driving on Saturday. He said it would be good practice for him since Simeon could be getting his drivers permit in just over a year. YIKES!! How are these kids growing up so fast?! I'm not sure a permit at 14 is the best idea, but we don't even need to think about that for over a year, so I won't think about it until I have to.
Johann was excited to take me driving on Saturday. He said it would be good practice for him since Simeon could be getting his drivers permit in just over a year. YIKES!! How are these kids growing up so fast?! I'm not sure a permit at 14 is the best idea, but we don't even need to think about that for over a year, so I won't think about it until I have to.
Back to me driving. It went good. Better then I thought it was going to. Johann didn't even need to slam his left foot down or grab the door handle to brace himself! Of course the speed limit was 25 and I'm not sure I ever went that fast.
Things went well until we got to the grocery store. As soon as we got in the store I was hit with a wave of nauseousness. It settled down until we hit aisle 2 and I hardly kept my lunch down. I still struggle turning my head quickly without getting dizzy, and too much stimuli at one time is hard so I think those are some of the reasons it happened.
Today I drove the kids to church and stayed in the chapel with them for the entire sacrament meeting. Then I went home and rested in the quiet until I needed to go pick them up. I'm grateful for every red light I get stopped at now since they give me an opportunity to slow down the stimuli coming at me. I don't drift to the right, but my right arm does feel weaker then before.
I'm pretty excited to be driving again. I have a pretty small radius that I'll drive in. I don't want to go on any heavily traveled or fast roads. Thankfully the grocery store, physical therapy, my new therapist and a drug store are all within 2 miles of my house so I can drive myself to those places. My favorite stores sadly don't fit into my radius right now. Johann may think that's a good thing actually! In a few weeks I'll broaden my driving area out, but I'm not planning to do all the driving I did before.
So if you see a light blue van near my house going under the speed limit-it's probably me getting back into my life. Don't worry I won't run you off the road or drive up the curbs!
Things went well until we got to the grocery store. As soon as we got in the store I was hit with a wave of nauseousness. It settled down until we hit aisle 2 and I hardly kept my lunch down. I still struggle turning my head quickly without getting dizzy, and too much stimuli at one time is hard so I think those are some of the reasons it happened.
Today I drove the kids to church and stayed in the chapel with them for the entire sacrament meeting. Then I went home and rested in the quiet until I needed to go pick them up. I'm grateful for every red light I get stopped at now since they give me an opportunity to slow down the stimuli coming at me. I don't drift to the right, but my right arm does feel weaker then before.
I'm pretty excited to be driving again. I have a pretty small radius that I'll drive in. I don't want to go on any heavily traveled or fast roads. Thankfully the grocery store, physical therapy, my new therapist and a drug store are all within 2 miles of my house so I can drive myself to those places. My favorite stores sadly don't fit into my radius right now. Johann may think that's a good thing actually! In a few weeks I'll broaden my driving area out, but I'm not planning to do all the driving I did before.
So if you see a light blue van near my house going under the speed limit-it's probably me getting back into my life. Don't worry I won't run you off the road or drive up the curbs!
Saturday, March 15, 2014
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I decided to switch to a new therapist so that I can get in weekly right now. They sent me a packet of forms to fill out. It was thick!
As I'm filling it out I came to the medical questioner form. The typical questions are there-heart attack, high cholesterol, diabetes, stroke, cancer, etc... I froze. For the 1st time I had to mark "stroke", then in the 'other' I had to write in 'vertebral artery dissection'. It hit me hard and I realized that for the rest of my life EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I fill out a medical questioner I'll have to mark "stroke" and "vertebral artery dissection".
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Sadly these marks are going to go against me for the rest of my life. I doubt my life insurance will renew my policy when it expires. Thankfully health insurance can't deny me coverage, because they could for this.
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Then I came to the page to fill in all my medicines. Up until 6 months ago I only took vitamins. Then I added 2 medicines, and since February 6th I've added another 9 medicines. (I've since been able to stop taking 2 of them.) I looked and saw 'stroke' marked and a table covered in medicines and it made me sad, and mad.
Some of my medicines could be lifetime medicines. Yes I know I should be greatful to be alive and be able to take them. I know that. I know others take more medicines. Lots more. I know I'm lucky. I know this could have turned out worse. Way worse. But it's still hard. And I have to learn to live with having to possibly take medicines for this for the rest of my life. Every time I take them I have to be reminded about why I have to take them. Doesn't sound very fun to me.
As I'm slowly getting back into our routine every day life, I'm starting to see the permanent changes that won't or can't go away because of what happened. It's making me feel frustrated and not forgiving towards the chiropractor. I'm trying to let it go and stay forgiving, but it's getting harder. I know it's not Christlike of me to not be forgiving. I'm just not there right now. I pray to get back to that some day.
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
As I'm filling it out I came to the medical questioner form. The typical questions are there-heart attack, high cholesterol, diabetes, stroke, cancer, etc... I froze. For the 1st time I had to mark "stroke", then in the 'other' I had to write in 'vertebral artery dissection'. It hit me hard and I realized that for the rest of my life EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I fill out a medical questioner I'll have to mark "stroke" and "vertebral artery dissection".
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Sadly these marks are going to go against me for the rest of my life. I doubt my life insurance will renew my policy when it expires. Thankfully health insurance can't deny me coverage, because they could for this.
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Then I came to the page to fill in all my medicines. Up until 6 months ago I only took vitamins. Then I added 2 medicines, and since February 6th I've added another 9 medicines. (I've since been able to stop taking 2 of them.) I looked and saw 'stroke' marked and a table covered in medicines and it made me sad, and mad.
Some of my medicines could be lifetime medicines. Yes I know I should be greatful to be alive and be able to take them. I know that. I know others take more medicines. Lots more. I know I'm lucky. I know this could have turned out worse. Way worse. But it's still hard. And I have to learn to live with having to possibly take medicines for this for the rest of my life. Every time I take them I have to be reminded about why I have to take them. Doesn't sound very fun to me.
As I'm slowly getting back into our routine every day life, I'm starting to see the permanent changes that won't or can't go away because of what happened. It's making me feel frustrated and not forgiving towards the chiropractor. I'm trying to let it go and stay forgiving, but it's getting harder. I know it's not Christlike of me to not be forgiving. I'm just not there right now. I pray to get back to that some day.
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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