Loss

Hearing my husband drive away with my van this morning was heart braking.
The van I drove every day before this happened, is now his every day vehicle.
It's just another reminder of what I've lost.

Independence.
Being able to take my kids places.
Going shopping.
Taking my sick kids to the doctor.
Going to the pharmacy to get my sick kids medicine.
Meeting my husband for lunch.
My life before.

Brain Overload

Ammon pulled out his piano music tonight. 

Mine was with it. 

I was feeling confident.

I sat down and played.

Stars from Les Miserables.

I love that song.

My fingers were mostly working.

Even my right pinky.

So exciting.

I loved the music.

I loved the familiar.

I was playing the piano again.

Two pages in.

My fingers started getting clumsy.

My headache was getting worse.

I was so lightheaded.

I had to stop.

Too much brain work.

I'm not there yet.

Back to my scales.

I need more time to heal.

Piano I'll be back.

I promise.

Reconnecting in progress...

This morning I wrote to the carpool group for Corrine's band that I might not be able to drive for the rest of the year. Yesterday I emailed teachers to let them know that I wasn't going to be able to make it to parent teacher conferences this week after all.  I've started accepting that I'm not go to be all the way back to my "new normal" when it's been the magical 1 month post stroke.

In the beginning I thought 'give it 2 weeks and I can drive again and in a month I'll be independent again and life will move on'. Oh how naive I was. Now I know that it's going to take much longer then a month to recover. I'm feeling so much stronger and steady on my feet already, but I still have a long way to go.

I've finally been able to put into words how my right leg feels. It feels longer then my left leg. It's not longer, never has been, but it feels that way. My physical therapist says everyone feels things differently and it's probably because before when I walked it was so automatic, and now I have to think about it. I also don't know where the right side of my body is in space still.

At lunch the milk jug was almost empty so I figured it was good therapy to pour some into a glass for Ammon. I couldn't get my hand to do it. It froze before I could turn the jug and get the milk to come out. I needed to have my left hand help turn it more. It's things like this that frustrate me. It's all the little things I can't do anymore that I took for granted before.

Our bodies are pretty darn amazing and can do so much. Mine just needs to relearn some connections to make everyday things easy to do.

I'm very lucky my stroke didn't leave me with huge gaps in my functioning but it's still left me with things to relearn. Coordination and independence being the 2 biggest.

CONQUERED

Before I could go home from the hospital I had to walk the hallway and walk up and down the stairs. Our house is a ranch with a full set of stairs down to the basement. Our family room, laundry, food storage and my scrapbooking area is in the basement. We have 2 steps into our house from both the garage and front door and I've been able to do them fairly well.

I've been too scared to go near the stairs to the basement since I got home. At physical therapy last Friday we worked a lot on how to walk up and down stairs. It was such a challenge mentally and physically. I came home exhausted. My right leg felt like it had run a marathon. I had no idea how much goes into walking up and down stairs.

Tonight after the kids went to bed and the house was quiet we headed to the stairs. Johann stood 2 steps down from me and I started walking down the stairs and I CONQUERED them!!! 

Once I got downstairs I had to explore every room. I haven't been down there in 17 days. I've never gone that long not going into the basement.

Going up was so much easier then going down. I was even able to step up alternating between both legs.  I felt more burning in my right thigh then my left. It's amazing how much harder it is to do everything now and it takes so much more energy.

1st obstacle conquered. 

Good thing it's bedtime because now I'm exhausted!

I CAN DO THIS!!!

2 weeks

"It's been 2 weeks since my artery dissection and stroke. I've been back to the ER 1 time this past week for left sided head pain. It ended up just being a migraine, but with my "colorful history" anything weird or painful in my head gets an emergency visit. The pain medicine I have does a pretty good job of taking most of my headaches away. 
I'm now up to 11 medicines! Good thing I have some wonderful friends and family who help me keep them all organized.
I get very tired super easily. My neck is getting stronger and less sore everyday so I haven't been using my neck brace. My balance has already improved some but I still struggle with coordination with my right hand. My speech is 95% normal. I forget or struggle to get words out occasionally, but I hide it pretty well. I can only do one thing at a time right now and forget things more easily and get overwhelmed quickly. My right pinky and ring finger are still 'along for the ride' but I'm working on getting them to pull more weight. It's amazing at how I can type with only 8 strong fingers and 2 very weak ones!
Going from being independent to being dependent on others for almost everything has been a hard transition for all of us. Everyday we're getting better at it.
We have so many wonderfully amazing friends who are helping us out. Our family is grateful beyond words for all the help and yummy meals we've received the last 2 weeks. Johann has been able to work almost completely normal tax season hours because of so many people giving up time with their families to be with the kids and I.
Everyday I feel my self getting stronger, but it's going to be a long road until I reach my 'new' normal.
THANK YOU for all your prayers, good thoughts, yummy meals, organizing our life, driving the kids around, driving me to appointments, spending time with us, keeping our house clean, keeping us in clean clothes and our life moving forward and all the other many, many, many things I know people have done for our family. We are doing as well as we are because of all the wonderful people in our lives!!"
Facebook Post February 20th, 2014 5:01 pm

Withering

My energy level is no where near where it used to be. I'd say 25% of my pre-stroke energy on a good day. Tonight a friend was over and I was telling her how when I get tired I start to hunch my shoulders, lean my head on my hands and close my eyes while still talking. She said it sounds like you're withering.
I instantly thought of the flowers 2 teachers sent to me in the hospital and how as they aged, they started folding over, bowing down with loss if energy and closed down being beautiful. That is how I feel numerous times a day.
Like a flower I wither.

Day 11-Life sucks today

I've suddenly become a morning person. Maybe because I nap during the day.
I went to Physical Therapy today. It wore me out. My energy level is so low compared to just 11 days ago.
Today has been hard for me. I'm frustrated and angry. I want to scream: "WHY ME?????? Why at 34 years old did I have to have an artery to my brain tear and give me strokes in 2 different areas. WHY ME??? I have 4 kids at home that need me and I can't do anything. WHY ME?????? Haven't we had enough happen to us?? I can't make them food, I can't walk them to school. I can't drive. I can't even be alone for crying out loud! WHY ME?????"
I've been trying to find the blessings and lessons learned and the silver linings in this trial and right now I can't and I just want to stop trying. It's only been 11 days, and yet it's been 11 long days. 11 days of this hell I'm now living. 11 days of not being able to do anything. 11 days for a mother of 4 not being able to do anything is torture, it's not a relaxing break.
The kids are struggling. People are struggling with our kids. Everything is different and everyone is struggling. I just made Rebecca cry. It's horrible.
And there is no end date. No magical date that it's all going to heal and get better and life can move forward on it's own. I'm scared to go down the stairs so the basement is off limits. That's where toys, laundry, my exercise bike and scrapbooks are. Driving is months off. And who knows if I'll even be able to do that then. Life isn't what I thought it would be. Right now life royally sucks.
My physical struggles are: my right pinky, ring finger and middle finger don't work when I want them to. (They work automatically most of the time though. I say they're along for the ride right now.) My right leg feels strange and weak when I walk. My mouth feels slow and uncoordinated when I eat bigger bites and unless I have to really go to the bathroom, my muscles don't want to work. My balance is off, but not terribly. I get overwhelmed and tired very quickly, and I get headaches and neckaches very easily. A muscle above my right knee keeps spasming too.

I fell in love today

Today was my 1st time going to physical therapy post stroke.
I feel so weak.
My shoulders are so tight.
I'm so fearful of my neck.
It's so stiff.
I can't turn my neck.
I have to turn my entire body.
Today my PT timed me doing a peg picking up 'game'.
I had tears in my eyes.
It was so hard.
I was so slow.
My right hand doesn't respond like it used to.
After the message my PT brought in a maroon swivel chair with arms on it so I could move around more easily.
There was nothing fancy about the chair.
I fell in LOVE instantly with that chair!!
I had freedom.
I could turn and watch him so easily.
I could move and turn.
I could push myself around the room.
I had regained some independence and it was all from a maroon swivel chair.

I'm in LOVE with that chair and I'm not afraid to say it!!

My 2nd code stroke

"You know the book "If you give a mouse a cookie" that's a good way to describe my day. 
My therapist was concerned about my headache, neck pain and 3 fingers not working so she got a nurse. 
The nurse was concerned so she got a doctor. 
The doctor was concerned so she called a 'Code stroke' on me. 
A 'code stroke' sends a handful of people running to your room and you getting raced to the ER. 
After a 40 minute MRI it was confirmed I did NOT have another stroke.
The dissection looks a little worse then last week and we found out it's about 2" long. The artery is so extremely narrow, they couldn't even see it on the MRI without contrast.
We also learned that the benign tumor found on the top of my head that we lovingly refer to as my "brain wort" is about the size of a small marble. It will continue to be monitored and hopefully it grows so slowly or not at all that it stays as my "brain wort" for the next 70 years and never gives me grief!
I was sent home with instructions to come back right away at any new or worsening symptoms and was also given some strong pain meds.
They don't want to place stents because of the length of the dissection so my bodies job is to heal, heal, heal!
I've been told to take it even easier then I have been. And so I can watch these 4 precious kids of ours grow older and have kids of their own I am listening.
I keep trying to see the blessings and lessons learned from this trial and both lists keep growing. We have so much to be thankful for. Tonight I'm so incredibly thankful to be home with my family and for all your prayers and love."
Facebook Post February 13th, 2014 7:26 pm

1 week later

"It's kind of crazy how last Thursday I dropped the kids off at school after a late start for frigid temps, kissed them goodbye and told them I'd pick them up after school. Then life threw us a major curve ball in the few hours they were in school and I wasn't there when they got home. I'm so incredibly grateful to be with them today. Hugging them, cuddling them, giving them kisses and watching them grow everyday."
Facebook Post February 13th, 9:13 am

Who is He?

I've been asked many times who the chiropractor is that I went to and every time I've said the same thing. "I'm not going to share his name. If you tell me who you see I'll tell you if it's the same person."
So far NO ONE goes to the same person.

I don't know what's going to happen and I want to leave that alone for now.

I do want to raise awareness of the potential for major problems with a neck manipulation. Maybe I'm suppose to be the poster child to bring awareness to those around me.

Going Home

"I'm going home!! The next month I have to do pretty much nothing. That's going to be the hardest thing. Yikes I'm excited and nervous."
Facebook Post February 8th, 2014 1:13 pm

Overwhelmed with love

"I'm overwhelmed with all the love, concern and help already shown to our family the last 24 hours. I have regained 90% use of my right arm and leg. I haven't stood up so I still don't know about coordination. I had an artery dissection in my neck and a cerebellar stroke caused from it. This happened from an adjustment to my neck at a Chiropractor office. Rebecca was with me and kept me calm. She wiped my tears, gave me sweet hugs and was very calm. Thankfully Johann got to us before the ambulance did so Rebecca wasn't scared. I'm being moved out of the ICU this afternoon. My neck is very sore so my neck brace and I will become great friends. The kids are handling everything very good. Johann is doing alright. They could use prayers. It's going to take time for me to recover and for all of us to get used to our new normal." 
Facebook Post February 7th, 2014 1:15 pm

My Life Line

Lastnight I spent the most uncomfortable night of my life.
I was in the SNICU (surgical and nuerology intensive care unit) under hourly neurological observation. I had to lay flat on my back with a neck collar on that put horrible pressure on the back of my head.
My only chance to sit up was to go to the bathroom-in a bed pan. At nurse shift the night nurse told my day nurse "she likes to take her time going to the bathroom".

Talk about desperation to sit up!

Sitting up got some pressure off my head and I could see something other then the ceiling tiles above my head. The nurses tried to get some of the pressure off my head. It helped slightly.
I slept forty five minutes here and there between my hourly checks.
I was lucky to have slept 3 hours total lastnight.
My cell phone and the messages people left for me were my life line.
One time after a check the nurse forgot to give it back to me. I paged her back for it.
Every time a message came I read them. I clung to those messages of hope and love and concern.

They were my lifeline.

Letting the world know

"This morning I had a stroke. I am going to be ok. I'm in the ICU for the night. The kids are ok. Rebecca was with me when it happened. She was my little angel." Facebook post Feb 6th 9:43pm

A stroke sidelined me today

This morning we woke up to frigid negative temperatures and a 2 hour delay to school. I had a chiropractor appointment at 10, but I changed it to 10:45 so I could get the kids to school.
Rebecca's preschool gets canceled when we have a 2 hour delay, so she was my side kick for my appointment, then lunch with our friend Shannon afterwards.
We got to the chiropractor at 10:45. He was with another patient so Rebecca and I waited in the waiting room. The patient was the same man who was before me at Monday's apt. He looked to be walking with less pain. I was excited for him.
When we went back to the exam room. I told him I hadn't been feeling that good since my last adjustment on Monday. He started by stretching my neck and it felt great.  I then sat in a chair with Rebecca on my lap and he adjusted my neck and it felt pretty good. Then he had me lay back on the table to do a deep stretch on my neck. It was a very deep head turning stretch. As soon as I sat up I felt very dizzy. I told him not to worry because I always get dizzy and teary after laying down at the dentists office. I sat on the table for a few minutes holding myself up with my arms, until I started feeling worse and my right arm started feeling weak.
He helped me get into a chair. He got me some water which I downed and we talked about how sometimes the artery going up to the brain could get pinched and it could lead to some dizziness. After maybe 10 minutes sitting in the chair I started falling over to the right. The chiropractor helped me get back up onto the table to lay down. He put his hands on the base of my skull to help calm down what he thought were nerves. It helped for a few minutes, but then it stopped.
I was meeting my friend Shannon for lunch at 11:30 and I was now late. I called her but she didn't hear her phone.
I called Johann and asked him if he was free and could come get me because I wasn't feeling good and couldn't drive. I then texted Shannon at 11:38 "I'm not coming. I'm at the chiro and Johann is coming to get me. I feel awful."
Rebecca dug around in my purse and found the green beanbag that Ammon had sewed at Cub Scouts and used it to wipe my tears. She pulled a chair over to the table and gave me a gentle hug. I remember her sitting on the edge of the table and I asked her about what she had packed in her lunch box that morning. She played with the bean bag throwing it under the table. She was happy. She was calm. She was my angel.
The chiropractor was getting concerned that I was now seeing sqwiggly red & green lines on the left side and my right side was numb. He decided to take my blood pressure. It was normal. We talked for a few more minutes and he told me if I still didn't feel good in a few hours to go to the hospital.
I started feeling worse so he took my blood pressure again and suggested calling an ambulance. I freaked out and told him not yet. Within five minutes he asked again about calling an ambulance and I told him yes it was time.
The next few minutes I started shaking and couldn't stop myself. Not sure if it was nerves, coldness or a symptom of what was going on.
Johann walked in a few minutes later and Rebecca ran away from me. The chiropractor told me my husband had gotten there. Rebecca gave him a big hug. Within minutes a police officer came into the room and stood at my head and started asking me questions.
He was so calm. I wasn't.
Then the paramedics came in. They started asking me a lot of questions. They asked me if I could tighten my bottom. I could and they said that was a good sign that my spinal cord was intact. They were also so calm. They put a neck brace on, folded my arms on my chest, rolled me onto a back board then onto the stretcher. They taped my head to the board, and strapped me in. By now I was shaking uncontrollably.
In the ambulance I had to answer more questions and every single bump was excruciating. They didn't have the sirens on. Johann told me he followed the ambulance the entire way to the hospital. I had no control of my right arm and my left arm was feeling weak and I couldn't hold it up.
When we got to the hospital I had to answer more questions and do more neurological tests. I had to stay flat on my back. Looking at people while not being able to see much around you in very difficult. The faces I remember the most was a man with freckles and reddish hair, my nurse and a doctor in a black scrub top with a small gold Hawkeye embroidered on it. They would come right up to me and look down at me so I could see them better. Especially the freckled guy. He made me feel calm.
Then I was left alone. And I felt so alone. I was in the part of the ER near the psyciatric area and a lady was screaming. Not a pain scream, but more a "I don't know what is going on and I want out scream." Next door was a person from jail so there were security guards in the hallway.
I kept asking for Johann (my husband) and they said they'd get him, but they never did.
I was scared, crying, alone.
It felt like forever alone in that room.
I asked again for Johann and they said that CT was ready and we needed to go right then, and that they'd get him and have him waiting for me in the room when I got back.
At CT they had to transfer me to the CT bed. I felt like I was falling and freaked out. I'd already done that when they transferred me from the ambulance to hospital bed. It was a horribly scary feeling.
The CT lady placed an IV in my left arm so they could give me contrast.
Something in the CT machine spun around really fast, and it was noisy. Then they gave me the contrast and I instantly felt like my body was on fire and that I'd peed myself. It was like it was described to me-only hotter, and worse.
When I got back from CT, Johann & Rebecca were there. I've never been so happy to hear their voices and get a kiss from Johann. Man it felt awesome to have them with me!
The first thing I asked Johann was if he'd taken a picture of the ambulance. He told me he had other things on his mind. We laughed about that!
I was so worried about the kids. Johann reassured me they were taken care of. He texted Simeon and told him that I wasn't going to pick him up and that he needed to walk to the office, check in with Uncle Justin then head up to the dentist for his appointment.
The doctor walked in a few minutes later and said "Your neck & head look fine, but we see a small calcium spot on your brain. Since you're here we might as well do some more testing on it. You'll be going to MRI soon."
Again I was wheeled looking at ceiling tiles through the hospital to MRI. I got right into MRI. The ceiling tiles had blue sky with white puffy clouds and tree branches with green leaves on them. I was put into an extremely uncomfortable head holder, then a mask was placed over my face and snapped in. I was stuck in this loud, tight, shaking contraption for half hour.
It was painful.
My right arm went numb again.
I had to go to the bathroom.
It was like a torture chamber.
It was horrible.

I was wheeled back to the ER. The doctor stuck his head into the room and said "The spot on your brain is benign, but you've had a stroke. The neurology team is on their way."
I started crying.
A STROKE!!
I'm 34 years old. I have 4 kids at home.
A STROKE!!
WHAT?
HOW?
WHAT?
A STROKE?

I suddenly went from being low on the ER totem poll to suddenly becoming the most popular person.
It's not that good of a feeling.

Simeon called Johann to ask him what was going on. He was on the phone when the doctor told us about the stroke. Our 12 year old just learned that his mom had had a stroke.

The nurse came in and said I needed to do a swallow test. I passed with flying colors.
Then he handed me a whoppingly big pink pill and a medium white one. It was Plavix & aspirin. Both to thin my blood because I'D JUST HAD A STROKE. My brain was dead somewhere. Seriously was this happening?

Johann called his mom who was in Milwaukee visiting our newest niece (her grand daughter) Adalynn. He asked her to come home because I'd had a stroke. Hearing it in come out of his mouth to his mom was horrible. I cried hard.

Then we called my dad. Rebecca talked to him first, then I did. He told me "Heavenly Father has watched over our family many times before and he isn't going to stop now."

Sometime in the ER I was given Valium because I was so worked up. It instantly made me drowsy. It was so nice to relax.

Shannon came and got Rebecca who had been with Johann this whole time. She had 3 graham crackers squares and 2 apple juice cups since breakfast. She hardly complained. She was so calm. She wasn't scared. She left around 6pm. She was so amazing today.

I had Johann call Jessica because I wasn't going to be able to bake for the bake sale the next day. I had just had a stroke and I was worried about the bake sale. Seriously I needed to calm down.

Then the waiting game began. I was being transferred to the SNICU for close observation. What I didn't understand but maybe Johann did was that I was in critical condition. They only talked about the stroke, not about the vertebral artery in my neck that was torn and had caused the stroke. We didn't know how truly critical I was right then.

Our friend Ben came and he helped Johann give me a blessing of healing. It was so calm and peaceful during the blessing. I knew Heavenly Father was going to heal me and help me. I knew I was loved, watched over and known by my Heavenly Father. I knew He could help me. Not long after the blessing the vision issues cleared up and my right arm started gaining strength and feeling back. I have NO doubt that Heavenly Father was healing and blessing me. I just needed to ask Him for it and have faith in His healing power.

I was transferred to the SNICU. Johann had to wait in the waiting room. As I was wheeled in on the overhead speaker I heard "Admit. Bay 1, Bed 1." As I was wheeled into the room person after person walked in. They were all ladies. They transferred me to my new bed. I felt so much love and concern from them. It was like having 6 mothers all there to take care of me. My nurse in the ER was fabulous, but he was a he. Having theses ladies here felt so different and it brought me so much comfort.

After I got settled in and learned that I'd have hourly neurological tests and be flat on my back for 24 hours, Johann was brought in. And some reality of my situation started sinking in. I had had a stroke and I was in the ICU. Everything had changed.