The last week I'm been pushing myself to do new things. And the side effect of these new adventures is usually nauseousness during then exhaustion afterwards.
It feels good to get out and do some of the regular things I did before.
Tuesday I went to the mall play area to help celebrate a friends birthday. I got a ride both ways-it's too far for me to drive right now. It was alot of fun and I felt great the whole time there. I even went into Old Navy and got myself a new sweatshirt. I didn't get overwhelmed by the kids running around or noise. The next day I was toast though. I ended up taking a nap and stayed in my pj's for a good chunk of the day.
Today I had my LAST physical therapy appointment!!! WAHOO!! Seven weeks & 1 day since my stroke and I've advanced so much that there isn't a lot I can do there anymore. We reviewed things I could do at home to further my progress. My large motor skills are doing good. It's the fine motor skills I still need to improve. I'm struggling with getting my credit card out of my wallet, paying, signing, then putting the card back. I feel very uncoordinated and clumsy whenever I check out at a store. I struggle with signing my name and I'm not completely sure why. I'm not sure if I get physically tired or if it's a mental block, or a combination of both. My right hand sometimes still curls up into it's self in an unnatural position.
I get nauseous driving, just not as much as before. I can drive and have been expanding my range this week. I'm having a hard time backing up. I don't like to turn my head so I need to turn my whole upper body, and I get dizzy from turning my head. I've learned to park farther away from other cars, so I can pull through or having more room to back up.
After physcial therapy I went to my 1st store alone. It went good. It was a small quiet store so I was able to walk down all the isles and not feel overwhelmed. I went to Goodwill to drop a few bags off and to look around inside.
Going to the grocery store is harder for me to do. We went down a few isles and did great then I started to feel so overwhelmed. I needed to put my sunglasses on and get out of there as fast as possible. I helped Rebecca get into the back of the cart, but by the time we were done I was so tired. I ended asking a worker to pick her out of the cart for me. I'm grateful our store will load your groceries into your car for you, because there was no way I was going to be able to push the cart out and load them myself.
Medically-I'm struggling with my neurologist. She minimizes everything I talk to her about, or finds another thing to put them onto. I'm struggling with hyper-sensitivity to light. She says it's from my migraines and I don't need to see a neuro-ophthalmologist about my eyes. I haven't heard anything about seeing the headache clinic so I asked her about it. She told me the doctor moved out of the state so I should do a 1 day study and see if that helps.
I was feeling frustrated being so pushed aside from her that I went ahead and emailing the headache clinic and the neuro-ophthalmologist myself. The headache clinic told me I'm on the waiting list and the wait time is 6-9 months! Yikes. I need to do something before 6-9 months or I might just end up back in the same boat I'm in now. I sent the neuro-ophthalmologist a long email telling them what had happened after the stroke with the blind spot & zig-zag lines and that I'm still dealing with some blurriness in my left eye and hyper sensitivity to light. They took me seriously and got me in on April 21st. I'm grateful they took my concerns seriously.
Mentally I still need to take it slowly. The kids are learning to repeat, repeat, give me more back ground info, repeat again and to show me things rather then just tell me and to be more patient with me. We've been blessed with some pretty great kids!
Everyday I'm moving forward and feeling confident in my abilities. I'm so grateful for the progress I've made this far.
Friday, March 28, 2014
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Finding the kid in me
I saw my new therapist today and I loved her. We got to know each other and see told me she can tell I'm a playful person. Years ago I used to love to play like a kid, but I've forgotten that fun side of me. A few weeks back all 4 of our kids were wet, muddy and having a great time. It was so typical of us. I let the kids get dirty and have fun, but not nearly as often as before.
Also she told me I'm a highly sensitive person, not sensitive in feelings (even though I am that too) but sensitive with my 5 senses, which is so true. She gave me some reading suggestions. One of the books talks about how to survive when the world overwhelms you. That is so me. Reading out of a book has been such a struggle for me since my stoke. I have to cover up the other page and part of the page I'm on, or I get overwhelmed by all the lines and letters. I'm going to figure out a way to read these because I know they could really help me.
After my appointment I walked to another building to check out a business. It felt and smelled amazing being outside. I loved it. It had rained and it was wet and man it smelled so good. I need to get outside more.
I'm going to see her weekly for a while to work through my stress, not just from my stroke, but from all the things we've gone through.
Just last week I asked Johann why do we have to have so many hard things happen to our family. Why can't we have it easier? Why do so many trails and struggles come to us? He didn't have an answer, but he understands where I'm coming from.
I think all the stressful things that have come our way have taken the playful spontaneous spirit out of me. I need to find that side of me and encourage it to come back out. I like to run, ride bikes, roller blade, play in the mud, make sand castles, swing high into the sky, climb rocks and hills, have picnics, go to zoo's and waterparks. I need to find the kid in me again. I know finding the kid in me again will help me feel more alive.
She suggested doing a mud run when I'm fully recovered. I would LOVE to do a mud run.
It's time to find the spontaneous fun loving kid in me again!
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Oxygen Masks
I've started to write down my feelings 3 times over the last 10 days and I wasn't able to get down what was really in my mind. I feel like I'm still struggling getting it out, but I've gotten something down.
The last few weeks I've been doing a lot of organizing, cleaning and clearing out in our house. I spent an entire day in the girls room. From top to bottom that room was gone through. At the end of the day I had an entire trash bag of trash, a trash bag of outgrown clothes of Rebecca's, a bag of outgrown Corrine clothes to save for Rebecca and a doesn't belong in here pile all put away.
Then I tackled my closet. I went through all my clothes and gave them a long hard look. I got rid of the ones I'd been holding onto until I lost those 20 pounds. I got rid of the ones I had because they were cute, but didn't really fit very good. I got rid of the ones I hadn't worn in years, but hadn't been able to let go of. In the end I had 3 trash bags full of clothes & shoes out of my closet, out of my way, out of my life. Now when I open my closet I only have clothes that I like and are comfortable wearing in there. There's elbow room. I can see what I have. I love the open feeling.
That's what I feel like I now need to do mentally. Over the years I've let things build up in my mind and heart. I've taken things too personally.
I've held onto guilt over things I've said or done.
I've held onto hurt feelings from years ago.
I've held onto insecurities.
I've held onto so much mental baggage that the weight I've put on myself is too much for me to bear anymore.
Just like my closet that's been de-cluttered, I need to do that mentally. I need to make some elbow room in myself. I need to get rid of the things that really don't matter, things that don't fit anymore, things that aren't bringing me joy. And then I need to find myself. For 13 years I put everything into being a mom to our 4 kids, that I forgot to be me. I let what I needed and wanted sit on the back burner and be ignored for so long that it didn't exist anymore. I lost sight of myself.
They tell you if you're traveling with little ones, to 1st put your oxygen mask on, then help the little ones with their masks. That's the same with motherhood and life. I needed to put on my oxygen mask before I put them on the kids. I needed to remember my needs and desires. I needed to remember that I wasn't just a wife and mom, that I was a daughter, a sister, a friend and a woman. I needed to take care of my basic needs before everyone else had their wants attended to.
I need to figure out who Kari is.
Who am I?
What do I like to do?
What makes me happy?
What are my talents?
What do I want to learn?
Where do I fit in?
It took me years of piling on baggage mental that it's going to take some time for me to get rid of it.
The wild side of me wants to scream and throw dishes shattering them into a million pieces. The good side of me tells me not to cause a scene and that if I broke the dishes I'd have to clean them up. It's a battle I'm fighting with myself right now.
I feel like Elsa from Frozen. Conceal, don't feel, don't let them in. I've done those for years. Now it's time to open up, feel and let others in. I just need to figure out how.
The last few weeks I've been doing a lot of organizing, cleaning and clearing out in our house. I spent an entire day in the girls room. From top to bottom that room was gone through. At the end of the day I had an entire trash bag of trash, a trash bag of outgrown clothes of Rebecca's, a bag of outgrown Corrine clothes to save for Rebecca and a doesn't belong in here pile all put away.
Then I tackled my closet. I went through all my clothes and gave them a long hard look. I got rid of the ones I'd been holding onto until I lost those 20 pounds. I got rid of the ones I had because they were cute, but didn't really fit very good. I got rid of the ones I hadn't worn in years, but hadn't been able to let go of. In the end I had 3 trash bags full of clothes & shoes out of my closet, out of my way, out of my life. Now when I open my closet I only have clothes that I like and are comfortable wearing in there. There's elbow room. I can see what I have. I love the open feeling.
That's what I feel like I now need to do mentally. Over the years I've let things build up in my mind and heart. I've taken things too personally.
I've held onto guilt over things I've said or done.
I've held onto hurt feelings from years ago.
I've held onto insecurities.
I've held onto so much mental baggage that the weight I've put on myself is too much for me to bear anymore.
Just like my closet that's been de-cluttered, I need to do that mentally. I need to make some elbow room in myself. I need to get rid of the things that really don't matter, things that don't fit anymore, things that aren't bringing me joy. And then I need to find myself. For 13 years I put everything into being a mom to our 4 kids, that I forgot to be me. I let what I needed and wanted sit on the back burner and be ignored for so long that it didn't exist anymore. I lost sight of myself.
They tell you if you're traveling with little ones, to 1st put your oxygen mask on, then help the little ones with their masks. That's the same with motherhood and life. I needed to put on my oxygen mask before I put them on the kids. I needed to remember my needs and desires. I needed to remember that I wasn't just a wife and mom, that I was a daughter, a sister, a friend and a woman. I needed to take care of my basic needs before everyone else had their wants attended to.
I need to figure out who Kari is.
Who am I?
What do I like to do?
What makes me happy?
What are my talents?
What do I want to learn?
Where do I fit in?
It took me years of piling on baggage mental that it's going to take some time for me to get rid of it.
The wild side of me wants to scream and throw dishes shattering them into a million pieces. The good side of me tells me not to cause a scene and that if I broke the dishes I'd have to clean them up. It's a battle I'm fighting with myself right now.
I feel like Elsa from Frozen. Conceal, don't feel, don't let them in. I've done those for years. Now it's time to open up, feel and let others in. I just need to figure out how.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
No more Driving Miss Daisy everywhere
I've already gotten one of my homework assignments done. WAHOO!! No procrastinating for me!
Johann was excited to take me driving on Saturday. He said it would be good practice for him since Simeon could be getting his drivers permit in just over a year. YIKES!! How are these kids growing up so fast?! I'm not sure a permit at 14 is the best idea, but we don't even need to think about that for over a year, so I won't think about it until I have to.
Johann was excited to take me driving on Saturday. He said it would be good practice for him since Simeon could be getting his drivers permit in just over a year. YIKES!! How are these kids growing up so fast?! I'm not sure a permit at 14 is the best idea, but we don't even need to think about that for over a year, so I won't think about it until I have to.
Back to me driving. It went good. Better then I thought it was going to. Johann didn't even need to slam his left foot down or grab the door handle to brace himself! Of course the speed limit was 25 and I'm not sure I ever went that fast.
Things went well until we got to the grocery store. As soon as we got in the store I was hit with a wave of nauseousness. It settled down until we hit aisle 2 and I hardly kept my lunch down. I still struggle turning my head quickly without getting dizzy, and too much stimuli at one time is hard so I think those are some of the reasons it happened.
Today I drove the kids to church and stayed in the chapel with them for the entire sacrament meeting. Then I went home and rested in the quiet until I needed to go pick them up. I'm grateful for every red light I get stopped at now since they give me an opportunity to slow down the stimuli coming at me. I don't drift to the right, but my right arm does feel weaker then before.
I'm pretty excited to be driving again. I have a pretty small radius that I'll drive in. I don't want to go on any heavily traveled or fast roads. Thankfully the grocery store, physical therapy, my new therapist and a drug store are all within 2 miles of my house so I can drive myself to those places. My favorite stores sadly don't fit into my radius right now. Johann may think that's a good thing actually! In a few weeks I'll broaden my driving area out, but I'm not planning to do all the driving I did before.
So if you see a light blue van near my house going under the speed limit-it's probably me getting back into my life. Don't worry I won't run you off the road or drive up the curbs!
Things went well until we got to the grocery store. As soon as we got in the store I was hit with a wave of nauseousness. It settled down until we hit aisle 2 and I hardly kept my lunch down. I still struggle turning my head quickly without getting dizzy, and too much stimuli at one time is hard so I think those are some of the reasons it happened.
Today I drove the kids to church and stayed in the chapel with them for the entire sacrament meeting. Then I went home and rested in the quiet until I needed to go pick them up. I'm grateful for every red light I get stopped at now since they give me an opportunity to slow down the stimuli coming at me. I don't drift to the right, but my right arm does feel weaker then before.
I'm pretty excited to be driving again. I have a pretty small radius that I'll drive in. I don't want to go on any heavily traveled or fast roads. Thankfully the grocery store, physical therapy, my new therapist and a drug store are all within 2 miles of my house so I can drive myself to those places. My favorite stores sadly don't fit into my radius right now. Johann may think that's a good thing actually! In a few weeks I'll broaden my driving area out, but I'm not planning to do all the driving I did before.
So if you see a light blue van near my house going under the speed limit-it's probably me getting back into my life. Don't worry I won't run you off the road or drive up the curbs!
Saturday, March 15, 2014
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I decided to switch to a new therapist so that I can get in weekly right now. They sent me a packet of forms to fill out. It was thick!
As I'm filling it out I came to the medical questioner form. The typical questions are there-heart attack, high cholesterol, diabetes, stroke, cancer, etc... I froze. For the 1st time I had to mark "stroke", then in the 'other' I had to write in 'vertebral artery dissection'. It hit me hard and I realized that for the rest of my life EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I fill out a medical questioner I'll have to mark "stroke" and "vertebral artery dissection".
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Sadly these marks are going to go against me for the rest of my life. I doubt my life insurance will renew my policy when it expires. Thankfully health insurance can't deny me coverage, because they could for this.
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Then I came to the page to fill in all my medicines. Up until 6 months ago I only took vitamins. Then I added 2 medicines, and since February 6th I've added another 9 medicines. (I've since been able to stop taking 2 of them.) I looked and saw 'stroke' marked and a table covered in medicines and it made me sad, and mad.
Some of my medicines could be lifetime medicines. Yes I know I should be greatful to be alive and be able to take them. I know that. I know others take more medicines. Lots more. I know I'm lucky. I know this could have turned out worse. Way worse. But it's still hard. And I have to learn to live with having to possibly take medicines for this for the rest of my life. Every time I take them I have to be reminded about why I have to take them. Doesn't sound very fun to me.
As I'm slowly getting back into our routine every day life, I'm starting to see the permanent changes that won't or can't go away because of what happened. It's making me feel frustrated and not forgiving towards the chiropractor. I'm trying to let it go and stay forgiving, but it's getting harder. I know it's not Christlike of me to not be forgiving. I'm just not there right now. I pray to get back to that some day.
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
As I'm filling it out I came to the medical questioner form. The typical questions are there-heart attack, high cholesterol, diabetes, stroke, cancer, etc... I froze. For the 1st time I had to mark "stroke", then in the 'other' I had to write in 'vertebral artery dissection'. It hit me hard and I realized that for the rest of my life EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I fill out a medical questioner I'll have to mark "stroke" and "vertebral artery dissection".
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Sadly these marks are going to go against me for the rest of my life. I doubt my life insurance will renew my policy when it expires. Thankfully health insurance can't deny me coverage, because they could for this.
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Then I came to the page to fill in all my medicines. Up until 6 months ago I only took vitamins. Then I added 2 medicines, and since February 6th I've added another 9 medicines. (I've since been able to stop taking 2 of them.) I looked and saw 'stroke' marked and a table covered in medicines and it made me sad, and mad.
Some of my medicines could be lifetime medicines. Yes I know I should be greatful to be alive and be able to take them. I know that. I know others take more medicines. Lots more. I know I'm lucky. I know this could have turned out worse. Way worse. But it's still hard. And I have to learn to live with having to possibly take medicines for this for the rest of my life. Every time I take them I have to be reminded about why I have to take them. Doesn't sound very fun to me.
As I'm slowly getting back into our routine every day life, I'm starting to see the permanent changes that won't or can't go away because of what happened. It's making me feel frustrated and not forgiving towards the chiropractor. I'm trying to let it go and stay forgiving, but it's getting harder. I know it's not Christlike of me to not be forgiving. I'm just not there right now. I pray to get back to that some day.
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Answers & Homework
Last October when I hit rock bottom things worked out just right for me to meet a wonderful doctor. I saw her a few weeks ago to check in. We decided it was best if I came back to see her every few weeks until things settle back down.
Homework assignments
Yesterday I had an appointment with her and we had a great talk. I had some questions and she helped me with the answers. Before this all happened I was already sensitive to light, sounds, smells and motion. Now they are all so much stronger. I've already found some things that help with each new sensitivity.
Light-I used to open every blind and door when it was sunny to let the light in. Now I have keep them closed. The sun is too bright and can give me headaches even inside. The ceiling fan lights are too bright for me so I need to use softer indirect lights now. I wear my sunglasses anytime I leave the house and I also wear hats to block the sun. Sometimes I even wear a hat in the house to block the direct lights from the ceiling lights. I think it's time to invest in some cute hats!
Hearing-I hear things so much better now. I can be in the front room and someone can be in the kitchen opening the cupboards and I can tell them which one they are opening and is it's the correct one to get what they're looking for. The kids normal everyday noises can send me into my room under pillows to get away from the sounds. I can't concentrate with more then one person talking or someone moving and talking. The kids are figuring out to talk slower and to give me more time to figure out what they are telling me.
Smell-I can smell things so much stronger. I had to give some trash bags away because the smell was making me sick. Maybe the kids are benefiting (or getting frustrated with me) from my super sensitive smelling and are getting asked to take more showers-lots more!
Motion sickness- I used to get motion sickness on spinning rides, or if the kids ran in circles around me, but now it's so much worse. Driving as passenger is making me horribly sick. If the kids are jumping or spinning I have to close my eyes. It's horrible. I'm still trying to figure this one out. Hopefully driving will be better then being the passenger.
My doctor told me these are all normal and common side effects from brain trauma. It could take up to a year before these side effects go away. I was encouraged to hear that they are normal and I'm not going crazy. It stinks to be so super sensitive right now. I'm going to need to find ways to live with my sensitivities until they lesson.
The other part of the appointment was talking about what I can do to help myself move forward. Or in other words my homework. I like that my doctor gives me concrete things to do. Right now I need that.
Homework assignments
1. Exercise 15 minutes a day for a week, then go up to 30 mins a day and then to 45 minutes. This will help with 2 things-boosting my energy level and helping me to drop some of the pounds I've put on the last 5 weeks.
2. Drive this weekend. Fear and hopefully not ability is holding me back. My vision is normal, my physical strength is there, so I just need to conquer myself. I told her I was afraid if I started driving that I'd have to jump back into everything I was doing before. I was told not to do that. I need to take it slowly. Next week Johann will drive his truck and leave the van at the house so I have the option to drive where as I haven't had that option since this all happened.
3. Look into Child Life Specialist degree. This is something I've wanted to do for a while but I didn't pursue it because I felt selfish taking all the time away from our family for my own personal desires. I also would love to volunteer at the hospital as a baby rocker. I met the volunteer coordinator last year and she wanted me to become one. So I'm suppose to look into these and see what it would take to do them. To do something that makes me happy.
4. Go to weekly therapy sessions with my new therapist.
2. Drive this weekend. Fear and hopefully not ability is holding me back. My vision is normal, my physical strength is there, so I just need to conquer myself. I told her I was afraid if I started driving that I'd have to jump back into everything I was doing before. I was told not to do that. I need to take it slowly. Next week Johann will drive his truck and leave the van at the house so I have the option to drive where as I haven't had that option since this all happened.
3. Look into Child Life Specialist degree. This is something I've wanted to do for a while but I didn't pursue it because I felt selfish taking all the time away from our family for my own personal desires. I also would love to volunteer at the hospital as a baby rocker. I met the volunteer coordinator last year and she wanted me to become one. So I'm suppose to look into these and see what it would take to do them. To do something that makes me happy.
4. Go to weekly therapy sessions with my new therapist.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Dreams and Tigers
This morning after the kids left for school I sat down to play the piano. I pulled out "I Dream a Dream" from Les Miserables and played it no problem. I love this song. I read the words as I played. Then I read them again and again. I started seeing my life in the words of the song. I started seeing how the song could be put into so many different parts of life. How I can feel just like the end of the song, or I can make a different ending to it.
"I dreamed a dream in times gone by.
When hope was high and life worth living.
I dreamed that love would never die.
I dreamed that God would be forgiving."
When we got married 15 years ago we were so in love. It was just the 2 of us. We had so much fun. We went camping, hiking, stayed up late, slept in together. Life was calm and uncomplicated.
Then we had our 1st child. A sweet baby boy who we adored. Life was giving me what I had dreamed of. I was married, we had a sweet baby, we owned a house and we were comfortable. We had a 2nd child. A beautiful little girl. They adored each other and were best friends.
"But the Tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder."
After our beautiful daughter postpartum depression roared it's ugly face.
We got through it.
Our 3rd child was born. A strong little boy with a full head of brown hair.
But the calm after his birth was soon shattered.
17 days into life he stopped breathing in my arms.
He survived and we've seen his strength ten fold since.
I thought I survived it too, but I was consumed with headaches.
I found a homeopathic lady that helped me and my headaches went away.
Life was calm again.
We were learning to have faith and trust in life again.
We decided to have our 4th and final child
We moved to a new house in an amazing neighborhood and our oldest started kindergarten at an awesome school.
Then life through us a MAJOR curveball.
Our oldest son who was just 5 years old was diagnosed with bi-phenotypic acute leukemia.
The next 3 1/2 years were hard.
Torture sometimes.
We didn't have a choice to be anything but strong.
We all fought hard.
Our 4th and final child, a calm little girl, joined our family.
He prevailed over the cancer.
We made it through too.
Then life took a slower, more predictable turn.
The everyday life moments were happening.
But my stress level was on high.
I was getting sick every few weeks.
My body was telling me it was tired.
I had to stop nursing our youngest before a she was year old.
It broke my heart to pieces!
Now we have 3 in school.
A relapse scare for the oldest because of hip pain.
A mysterious spot on the growth plate of our oldest daughter.
And multiple stress fractures.
Months of tests and unknown for the 2 oldest.
Then the 4th started preschool.
The oldest start Junior High.
I was alone for the 1st time in 12 years.
I didn't know what to do.
I didn't know who I was.
Where was I in my own dream?
Then my leg started to hurt.
6 weeks, 2 steroid shots & 1 round of antibiotics later.
A benign cyst the size of the grape was removed.
Mysterious spot is still on the growth plate and stress fractures still there.
Hip pain for the oldest isn't going away.
More tests, more unknown, more unanswered questions.
3 headaches a week.
Headaches I hate you!
I starting to get not being able to function headaches.
I'm diagnosed with depression and anxiety and start treatment.
Headache medicine doesn't work, so we stop.
I'm embarrassed and ashamed but empowered.
Headaches get worse.
5 headaches a week now.
My back goes out.
Herniated disk hitting a nerve.
My neck hurts.
Shot in my back and it chills out.
My neck hurts.
So does my head.
Debilitating headaches most days now.
I need help.
I need help NOW!
I get x-rays of my neck.
Looks fine.
I get muscle relaxers-does nothing.
I get desperate.
My Physical therapist massages my neck.
No relief.
I get more desperate.
I go to a chiropractor.
Don't like him.
I go to another.
LOVE him.
2 days no headaches!!!
Amazing!!!
Another visit-not so good.
Headaches are still coming.
Another visit-it's Feb 6th.
We just got thrown under the bus with NO warning.
My tigers have been coming for years.
Some have started out as calm little babies that slowly grew over time. Others started out as fierce angry grown tigers. I've been able to calm quite a few of them. It's taken lots of time and patience, but I've been able to do it.
I've realized though that there's always been this tiger that's been growing in the corner that I've been ignoring. It's slowly been getting bigger and stronger over the years. It's been gaining it's strength from me and I've quietly been letting it. I guess I thought it would always just stay nicely in the corner.
But I was wrong.
"There are dreams that cannot be.
There are storms we cannot weather.
I had a dream my life would be.
So different from this hell I'm living.
So different now from what it seemed.
Now life has killed the dream I dream."
I thought I was invincible. That all the trials we've had in our life weren't that big of a deal. People deal with bigger things all the time. Our 4 kids were healthy and the boys had both survived their near fatal illnesses. I thought I could handle what was being sent our way. I thought I could over come them no problem. I thought I had over come them and that they had made me stronger so I could withstand more the next time.
Then I had a trial happen to me.
I realized how weak I really was.
I realized my tiger was HUGE.
I crumbled.
I broke down.
I wasn't living in my dream anymore.
I was living in the hell of my trial.
My life wasn't at all what I thought it would be.
This trial's killed the dream I had from the beginning.
So here comes in the part about rewriting the ending to the song.
Rewriting the next part of our life.
Some days-some moments I'm living in hell.
Other's I can see the peace and calm.
Some days I have storms that I can't get through.
Other days it's sunny and clear.
I'm learning.
I'm trying.
I'm doing my best.
I still dream a dream.
I'm still writing the ending to my dream.
"I dreamed a dream in times gone by.
When hope was high and life worth living.
I dreamed that love would never die.
I dreamed that God would be forgiving."
When we got married 15 years ago we were so in love. It was just the 2 of us. We had so much fun. We went camping, hiking, stayed up late, slept in together. Life was calm and uncomplicated.
Then we had our 1st child. A sweet baby boy who we adored. Life was giving me what I had dreamed of. I was married, we had a sweet baby, we owned a house and we were comfortable. We had a 2nd child. A beautiful little girl. They adored each other and were best friends.
"But the Tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder."
After our beautiful daughter postpartum depression roared it's ugly face.
We got through it.
Our 3rd child was born. A strong little boy with a full head of brown hair.
But the calm after his birth was soon shattered.
17 days into life he stopped breathing in my arms.
He survived and we've seen his strength ten fold since.
I thought I survived it too, but I was consumed with headaches.
I found a homeopathic lady that helped me and my headaches went away.
Life was calm again.
We were learning to have faith and trust in life again.
We decided to have our 4th and final child
We moved to a new house in an amazing neighborhood and our oldest started kindergarten at an awesome school.
Then life through us a MAJOR curveball.
Our oldest son who was just 5 years old was diagnosed with bi-phenotypic acute leukemia.
The next 3 1/2 years were hard.
Torture sometimes.
We didn't have a choice to be anything but strong.
We all fought hard.
Our 4th and final child, a calm little girl, joined our family.
He prevailed over the cancer.
We made it through too.
Then life took a slower, more predictable turn.
The everyday life moments were happening.
But my stress level was on high.
I was getting sick every few weeks.
My body was telling me it was tired.
I had to stop nursing our youngest before a she was year old.
It broke my heart to pieces!
Now we have 3 in school.
A relapse scare for the oldest because of hip pain.
A mysterious spot on the growth plate of our oldest daughter.
And multiple stress fractures.
Months of tests and unknown for the 2 oldest.
Then the 4th started preschool.
The oldest start Junior High.
I was alone for the 1st time in 12 years.
I didn't know what to do.
I didn't know who I was.
Where was I in my own dream?
Then my leg started to hurt.
6 weeks, 2 steroid shots & 1 round of antibiotics later.
A benign cyst the size of the grape was removed.
Mysterious spot is still on the growth plate and stress fractures still there.
Hip pain for the oldest isn't going away.
More tests, more unknown, more unanswered questions.
3 headaches a week.
Headaches I hate you!
I starting to get not being able to function headaches.
I'm diagnosed with depression and anxiety and start treatment.
Headache medicine doesn't work, so we stop.
I'm embarrassed and ashamed but empowered.
Headaches get worse.
5 headaches a week now.
My back goes out.
Herniated disk hitting a nerve.
My neck hurts.
Shot in my back and it chills out.
My neck hurts.
So does my head.
Debilitating headaches most days now.
I need help.
I need help NOW!
I get x-rays of my neck.
Looks fine.
I get muscle relaxers-does nothing.
I get desperate.
My Physical therapist massages my neck.
No relief.
I get more desperate.
I go to a chiropractor.
Don't like him.
I go to another.
LOVE him.
2 days no headaches!!!
Amazing!!!
Another visit-not so good.
Headaches are still coming.
Another visit-it's Feb 6th.
We just got thrown under the bus with NO warning.
My tigers have been coming for years.
Some have started out as calm little babies that slowly grew over time. Others started out as fierce angry grown tigers. I've been able to calm quite a few of them. It's taken lots of time and patience, but I've been able to do it.
I've realized though that there's always been this tiger that's been growing in the corner that I've been ignoring. It's slowly been getting bigger and stronger over the years. It's been gaining it's strength from me and I've quietly been letting it. I guess I thought it would always just stay nicely in the corner.
But I was wrong.
"There are dreams that cannot be.
There are storms we cannot weather.
I had a dream my life would be.
So different from this hell I'm living.
So different now from what it seemed.
Now life has killed the dream I dream."
I thought I was invincible. That all the trials we've had in our life weren't that big of a deal. People deal with bigger things all the time. Our 4 kids were healthy and the boys had both survived their near fatal illnesses. I thought I could handle what was being sent our way. I thought I could over come them no problem. I thought I had over come them and that they had made me stronger so I could withstand more the next time.
Then I had a trial happen to me.
I realized how weak I really was.
I realized my tiger was HUGE.
I crumbled.
I broke down.
I wasn't living in my dream anymore.
I was living in the hell of my trial.
My life wasn't at all what I thought it would be.
This trial's killed the dream I had from the beginning.
So here comes in the part about rewriting the ending to the song.
Rewriting the next part of our life.
Some days-some moments I'm living in hell.
Other's I can see the peace and calm.
Some days I have storms that I can't get through.
Other days it's sunny and clear.
I'm learning.
I'm trying.
I'm doing my best.
I still dream a dream.
I'm still writing the ending to my dream.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Rebecca's Wish
It's become a regular thing for Rebecca to stand on the toilet while I put my contacts in each morning. This morning after telling me again how weird it is that I have to touch my eye to put my contacts in, she sadly said "Mom, I wish you could carry me."
Oh how I miss that too.
She's gotten very good at climbing up on my lap so I can hold her to my lap, but I do miss being able to pick her up and hold her.
Oh how I miss that too.
She's gotten very good at climbing up on my lap so I can hold her to my lap, but I do miss being able to pick her up and hold her.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Feeling normal
Today I went out to lunch with my friend Mayra. It was so nice to eat somewhere other then home. It felt like such a regular thing to do.
After lunch she dropped me off at Physical Therapy. I got out of the van, walked across the parking lot and into the building and I felt normal. I felt like before. I didn't feel myself needing instruction to step or walk. I was walking a more normal pace for me.
I felt like me again!!
Wahoo for feeling comfortable in my our body!!
Because I'm feeling back to "normal" or at least comfortable with my body and abilities I've cut back to only one Physical Therapy appointment a week.
Now comes the challenge of not over doing it since I'm comfortable with my bodies abilities and have my energy mostly back.
After lunch she dropped me off at Physical Therapy. I got out of the van, walked across the parking lot and into the building and I felt normal. I felt like before. I didn't feel myself needing instruction to step or walk. I was walking a more normal pace for me.
I felt like me again!!
Wahoo for feeling comfortable in my our body!!
Because I'm feeling back to "normal" or at least comfortable with my body and abilities I've cut back to only one Physical Therapy appointment a week.
Now comes the challenge of not over doing it since I'm comfortable with my bodies abilities and have my energy mostly back.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Stress- It's a killer
Our 8 year old son LOVES everything military. Has since he was little. When he saw the show "Surviving the Cut" on Netflix he had to watch it. That show was made for him.
Yesterday after getting his chores done (and doing them so awesomely I should add) he turned the show on. On the episode I watched with him one of the instructors said "Getting through the training is 10% physical and 90% mental." Another thing that stood out to me as we're watching the show is seeing people seize up during the swimming exercises. They become physically and mentally exhausted and blacked out. Their bodies froze or seized up on them.
Merry was over and watched the show with us. She's a National Guard member so after the show we were talking about what we watched, her experiences in training and life in general. I was telling her how I can turn my neck so much more then I could a few weeks ago, except at the grocery store and church the past Sunday. I told her how my neck felt so stiff and I felt like I couldn't move normally. She said it sounded like the guys on the show. They were so exhausted physically and they couldn't mentally push themselves on and in response their bodies seized or froze on them. Seizing was their bodies response to being pushed too hard for too long.
It got me thinking back to a few days ago when I was talking with some friends about mental struggles. One thing we talking about was the bodies response to stress. Your body will fight, take flight or freeze.
In the conversation with Merry I was able to see the mental side of my physical symptoms. My bodies response to the stress the last few weeks isn't fighting, or taking flight-it's freezing.
I was able to see that when I get overwhelmed or even sometimes think I'm going to be overwhelmed I seize up. I freeze. My body gets stiff and rigid and I can't move normally. Mentally I can't get my body to physically work correctly.
The first time I did the stairs at physical therapy I froze. I walked up confidently, but then I froze. I had to mentally tell my foot to step up.
I'd thought that all my symptoms were physical side effects of the stroke, but now I'm starting to see that my neurologist was probably correct. A lot of the symptoms I have aren't physical but more my brain slowing the connection downs so physically I can't do things like before.
So the trainer saying getting through the tasks are 10% physical and 90% mental makes a whole lot more sense to me now.
Mentally I'd hit a wall and it showed in physical symptoms. I had debilitating headaches. I had nights this past fall where my chest was so tight I wasn't sure I'd wake up in the morning. I'd have panic attacks driving. I was overwhelmed. Impatient. Not enjoying life. Stressed out. I wasn't sleeping good. My brain was constantly going. I wasn't managing my stress well. I'd hit my mental wall, but I didn't realize it because I was having physical symptoms. I thought my problems were all physical not mental.
Man was I wrong!
The phrase "Stress it's a killer" is so true. I wish I'd learned this sooner.
Yesterday after getting his chores done (and doing them so awesomely I should add) he turned the show on. On the episode I watched with him one of the instructors said "Getting through the training is 10% physical and 90% mental." Another thing that stood out to me as we're watching the show is seeing people seize up during the swimming exercises. They become physically and mentally exhausted and blacked out. Their bodies froze or seized up on them.
Merry was over and watched the show with us. She's a National Guard member so after the show we were talking about what we watched, her experiences in training and life in general. I was telling her how I can turn my neck so much more then I could a few weeks ago, except at the grocery store and church the past Sunday. I told her how my neck felt so stiff and I felt like I couldn't move normally. She said it sounded like the guys on the show. They were so exhausted physically and they couldn't mentally push themselves on and in response their bodies seized or froze on them. Seizing was their bodies response to being pushed too hard for too long.
It got me thinking back to a few days ago when I was talking with some friends about mental struggles. One thing we talking about was the bodies response to stress. Your body will fight, take flight or freeze.
In the conversation with Merry I was able to see the mental side of my physical symptoms. My bodies response to the stress the last few weeks isn't fighting, or taking flight-it's freezing.
I was able to see that when I get overwhelmed or even sometimes think I'm going to be overwhelmed I seize up. I freeze. My body gets stiff and rigid and I can't move normally. Mentally I can't get my body to physically work correctly.
The first time I did the stairs at physical therapy I froze. I walked up confidently, but then I froze. I had to mentally tell my foot to step up.
I'd thought that all my symptoms were physical side effects of the stroke, but now I'm starting to see that my neurologist was probably correct. A lot of the symptoms I have aren't physical but more my brain slowing the connection downs so physically I can't do things like before.
So the trainer saying getting through the tasks are 10% physical and 90% mental makes a whole lot more sense to me now.
Mentally I'd hit a wall and it showed in physical symptoms. I had debilitating headaches. I had nights this past fall where my chest was so tight I wasn't sure I'd wake up in the morning. I'd have panic attacks driving. I was overwhelmed. Impatient. Not enjoying life. Stressed out. I wasn't sleeping good. My brain was constantly going. I wasn't managing my stress well. I'd hit my mental wall, but I didn't realize it because I was having physical symptoms. I thought my problems were all physical not mental.
Man was I wrong!
The phrase "Stress it's a killer" is so true. I wish I'd learned this sooner.
Friday, March 7, 2014
An exciting day
Today I had Physical therapy. We talked about my neurology appointment. He feels I still do have some deficits, but that I have improved quite a bit in a short amount of time. Next week I'll have 2 appointments, then start going just once a week. He told me that if this had happened to a 70 year old it would have been a surprise but not as shocking as it is in someone my age and it'd be strange to not have any issues with anxiety & depression after it.
We then went to Arby's for lunch. It was my 1st time eating out of the house. It was nice to spend the time talking with Johann. That's something I've really missed this past month.
After we went to Hyvee to pick a few things up. As we were checking out the cashier asked us if we had anything exciting planned for today. I told him going to the grocery store was my exciting thing for the day. He smiled and said kindly "well I hope it was a good trip then." I then told him that I'd had a stroke a month ago, so getting out to the grocery store is a big thing for me to do. He had a shocked look on his face which I get a lot lately.
I'm still surprised at the shocked look on people's faces when I tell them about my stroke.
We then went to Arby's for lunch. It was my 1st time eating out of the house. It was nice to spend the time talking with Johann. That's something I've really missed this past month.
After we went to Hyvee to pick a few things up. As we were checking out the cashier asked us if we had anything exciting planned for today. I told him going to the grocery store was my exciting thing for the day. He smiled and said kindly "well I hope it was a good trip then." I then told him that I'd had a stroke a month ago, so getting out to the grocery store is a big thing for me to do. He had a shocked look on his face which I get a lot lately.
I'm still surprised at the shocked look on people's faces when I tell them about my stroke.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Snapping my fingers
It's been 1 month.
I was told to not do anything for a month.
I was naive enough a month ago to think that when I hit the end of the month that life would magically return to it was before Feb 6th.
Maybe I thought I'd wake up, snap my fingers and it'd all go away.
That was then.
This is now.
It's been a month.
I can snap my fingers (hooray for that ability) all I want.
But it won't do anything besides make a sound.
This isn't a movie where magic like that happens.
This is real life.
This is our life.
No amount of snapping my fingers will change that.
Part of me wants to go see the chiropractor.
Give him a big hug.
Tell him it's alright.
Tell him I forgive him.
Tell him this was part of my lives plan.
This was meant to happen.
Why?
It just was.
But I'm not there.
Yet.
Someday I want to see him again.
But not now.
Now I need to learn to take a step forward everyday.
I need to learn to conquer my fears.
I need to learn to live my life.
This life.
Not the one from a month ago.
Not the one one month from now.
Or the one a year from now.
Today.
This day.
This life.
Right now.
Right now I'm feeling positive.
I'm seeing progress.
I'm alright with where I am.
Tuesday I wasn't alright.
Tuesday I want to crawl in a hole.
I wanted someone else to snap their fingers.
I wanted them to snap their fingers and give me the answers.
I wanted instant results.
Don't we all.
I'm not a patient person.
Is patience the lesson I needed to learn?
Maybe.
Or long suffering.
Or letting others serve our family.
Or I don't know.
I do know that I'm moving forward.
And that I'm stuck.
I want to get better.
I haven't always wanted this.
I do now.
Yes I know I was lucky.
Yes I know I will be fine.
Yes I know I'll drive again.
Yes I know I'll be able to organize out lives on my own again.
Yes I know I can get past this "block".
Yes I know.
I also know that I have to do it in my own time.
I have to let myself relearn.
I have to let myself fail.
I have to let my kids learn.
And fail.
Then learn again.
I have to have faith.
Faith that I can get past it all.
Faith that I will drive again.
Faith that my fears will lesson.
Faith that can do this on my own again.
Faith to be alright with our new normal.
Faith that this is temporary.
Faith.
I have faith.
I also have fear.
It's a battle.
A battle raging inside me.
Faith and fear.
Who will win?
It's been a month.
I just snapped my fingers.
Sounds just like before.
I was told to not do anything for a month.
I was naive enough a month ago to think that when I hit the end of the month that life would magically return to it was before Feb 6th.
Maybe I thought I'd wake up, snap my fingers and it'd all go away.
That was then.
This is now.
It's been a month.
I can snap my fingers (hooray for that ability) all I want.
But it won't do anything besides make a sound.
This isn't a movie where magic like that happens.
This is real life.
This is our life.
No amount of snapping my fingers will change that.
Part of me wants to go see the chiropractor.
Give him a big hug.
Tell him it's alright.
Tell him I forgive him.
Tell him this was part of my lives plan.
This was meant to happen.
Why?
It just was.
But I'm not there.
Yet.
Someday I want to see him again.
But not now.
Now I need to learn to take a step forward everyday.
I need to learn to conquer my fears.
I need to learn to live my life.
This life.
Not the one from a month ago.
Not the one one month from now.
Or the one a year from now.
Today.
This day.
This life.
Right now.
Right now I'm feeling positive.
I'm seeing progress.
I'm alright with where I am.
Tuesday I wasn't alright.
Tuesday I want to crawl in a hole.
I wanted someone else to snap their fingers.
I wanted them to snap their fingers and give me the answers.
I wanted instant results.
Don't we all.
I'm not a patient person.
Is patience the lesson I needed to learn?
Maybe.
Or long suffering.
Or letting others serve our family.
Or I don't know.
I do know that I'm moving forward.
And that I'm stuck.
I want to get better.
I haven't always wanted this.
I do now.
Yes I know I was lucky.
Yes I know I will be fine.
Yes I know I'll drive again.
Yes I know I'll be able to organize out lives on my own again.
Yes I know I can get past this "block".
Yes I know.
I also know that I have to do it in my own time.
I have to let myself relearn.
I have to let myself fail.
I have to let my kids learn.
And fail.
Then learn again.
I have to have faith.
Faith that I can get past it all.
Faith that I will drive again.
Faith that my fears will lesson.
Faith that can do this on my own again.
Faith to be alright with our new normal.
Faith that this is temporary.
Faith.
I have faith.
I also have fear.
It's a battle.
A battle raging inside me.
Faith and fear.
Who will win?
It's been a month.
I just snapped my fingers.
Sounds just like before.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
WHY? HOW? WHAT?
Since my artery dissection & stroke I've been very worried about my healing. I've been afraid to turn my neck-what if I do more damage to the artery? I've been afraid to go down the stairs-what if I fall and hurt my neck? Every headache scares me-what if it's something bad, horrible? I have 4 kids-what would they do without their mom? I worry that if the artery gets torn more "I'm toast!" as I say. I'm nervous driving-what if we get hit, what damage will it do to my artery? I have so many worries right now. So many.
I usually keep them hidden from most people. A few times I've let someone see my struggles. They see me fall apart. For the most part I can put on a good show that I'm doing good, I'm fine, feeling stronger, handling things well, that it'll just take time and I'm alright with that.
I became very worried about waiting until May to see my neurologist. That was too long to wait. That was too far out. I wanted to be seen sooner. I called & left a message to get in sooner. No response. I emailed and asked for a sooner appointment. They got me in for today.
Walking into the hospital was the farthest I've walked in a month. By the time we got there I was tired and my head was really bothering me. My blood pressure was elevated. I worried that my blood pressure was a problem and could be causing more damage to the artery. I wasn't feeling good when the doctor came and got us. She had me do to toe walking, heel walking, tip toe and walk heel to toe. I did good-really good actually.
In the room she asked how I was doing. I instantly started crying. I told her I was really struggling.
Here's where things went down a different path then expected.
She asked me if I was depressed. Yes I am. I am very depressed. I've lost my independence. I can't take care of my family. I had 2 sick kids last week and I couldn't even take them to the doctor by myself. By the time the kids are in bed and the house is quiet I'm exhausted mentally, emotionally & physically. I'm spent. I'm overwhelmed with me life. I can't handle my life right now.
I told her my pinky doesn't work. She told me it does work. My brain just won't let it.
I told her I get light headed playing the piano. She said it's not stroke related- but rather stress & depression related.
WHAT
WHY-then why if my body works, why won't it do what I want it to do.
WHY does everything overwhelm me?
WHY can't I function like before?
WHY can't I handle my life anymore?
WHY do I get tired so easily?
WHY?
She feels that my depression & stress are causing my body to not heal the stroke symptoms. I have a 'block' in my mind that I can't get around. She thinks because of everything that's happened I now am dealing with Post traumatic stress disorder and depression that's spiraling out of control.
I wasn't in a war, but I had a major traumatic event that has stopped my progress in life. Actually if you've known our family-we've had many major events in our lives that I seemed to have gotten through just fine. Or at least that's the way I made it seem & how I made myself feel.
Until I get the stress & depression under control my body won't & can't heal itself.
WHAT???
She told me I could be driving and doing everything like before. My body physically can do it, but my brain can't and won't do it. If I do try to do everything like before I'll spiral down even more and I may never recover.
She thinks the stroke symptoms are accounting for 1% of what is going on with my body not working like before. Johann & I feel like it's more a 40/60 or 30/70 divide on why things aren't working. My coordination & balance issues weren't there before, but we're not neurologists.
I told her my worries about the artery getting more damaged. She told me to not think about it. If the artery were to close off, my body would make another path. She feels because I'm functioning at the level I am, I'm healing and have blood flow to my brain. She also feels like if I focus too much energy on worrying about the artery I'll spiral down even more. There's nothing I can do to heal the artery besides what I'm already doing. So worrying about the artery will only make things worse.
So what do I do?
-One thing is to talk with my therapist & general doctor. I may need to adjust my medicine and I need to see my therapist more-much more. Weekly if possible. I need more intense therapy right now. That may require changing therapists to one I can get into more often. That stresses me because I really like who I see.
-I need to be more real. I need to share more what I'm feeling. I need to get it out there. I need to talk with others. Blogging here is a good thing for me. I need to be more real with my writings though. I need to not show just the good days or the really big struggles. I need to show the every day. The great times, the break downs-more real feelings.
-I need to continue to try to get back into my normal life, but slowly like I've been doing. I still have to not lift heavy things, and use caution with lifting. She told me not to drive and do things that overwhelm me because it'll make everything worse.
-She asked me if I could leave the house and stay somewhere else to get away from everything. Johann has asked me the same thing. I just can't do it. I can't walk away from my family. It could help speed up my healing, but I can't do it. I can't leave my kids to be raised by others. (I think I have some control issues too!!)
-I go back in May for an MRI to check healing of the artery. Until then-I need to not worry about the artery.
HOW do I we live with less stress? That's the Million dollar question right now.
HOW do I get past my depression?
HOW do I move forward from here?
There was a lot for me to wrap my head around today. I feel like I'm wimping out now because I could be doing things like before and I can't. It makes me feel more depressed that I can't do so many things without feeling so overwhelmed. Why can others handle bad things in their lives and be alright with it. Why can't I do it?
I have lots of questions right now.
WHY did this happen to me?
HOW can I get past everything and move forward?
WHAT do I do to move forward & heal?
WHEN will things get better & back to "normal"?
I'm struggling to figure this all out myself. I feel very stalled. I feel. I don't know how I really feel. I just know I have to get better. I have to heal. I have 4 kids that need their mom healthy and happy. I have a husband who loves me and wants me around. I HAVE TO HEAL. I just need to figure out how. I need help figuring this all out.
I usually keep them hidden from most people. A few times I've let someone see my struggles. They see me fall apart. For the most part I can put on a good show that I'm doing good, I'm fine, feeling stronger, handling things well, that it'll just take time and I'm alright with that.
I became very worried about waiting until May to see my neurologist. That was too long to wait. That was too far out. I wanted to be seen sooner. I called & left a message to get in sooner. No response. I emailed and asked for a sooner appointment. They got me in for today.
Walking into the hospital was the farthest I've walked in a month. By the time we got there I was tired and my head was really bothering me. My blood pressure was elevated. I worried that my blood pressure was a problem and could be causing more damage to the artery. I wasn't feeling good when the doctor came and got us. She had me do to toe walking, heel walking, tip toe and walk heel to toe. I did good-really good actually.
In the room she asked how I was doing. I instantly started crying. I told her I was really struggling.
Here's where things went down a different path then expected.
She asked me if I was depressed. Yes I am. I am very depressed. I've lost my independence. I can't take care of my family. I had 2 sick kids last week and I couldn't even take them to the doctor by myself. By the time the kids are in bed and the house is quiet I'm exhausted mentally, emotionally & physically. I'm spent. I'm overwhelmed with me life. I can't handle my life right now.
I told her my pinky doesn't work. She told me it does work. My brain just won't let it.
I told her I get light headed playing the piano. She said it's not stroke related- but rather stress & depression related.
WHAT
WHY-then why if my body works, why won't it do what I want it to do.
WHY does everything overwhelm me?
WHY can't I function like before?
WHY can't I handle my life anymore?
WHY do I get tired so easily?
WHY?
She feels that my depression & stress are causing my body to not heal the stroke symptoms. I have a 'block' in my mind that I can't get around. She thinks because of everything that's happened I now am dealing with Post traumatic stress disorder and depression that's spiraling out of control.
I wasn't in a war, but I had a major traumatic event that has stopped my progress in life. Actually if you've known our family-we've had many major events in our lives that I seemed to have gotten through just fine. Or at least that's the way I made it seem & how I made myself feel.
Until I get the stress & depression under control my body won't & can't heal itself.
WHAT???
She told me I could be driving and doing everything like before. My body physically can do it, but my brain can't and won't do it. If I do try to do everything like before I'll spiral down even more and I may never recover.
She thinks the stroke symptoms are accounting for 1% of what is going on with my body not working like before. Johann & I feel like it's more a 40/60 or 30/70 divide on why things aren't working. My coordination & balance issues weren't there before, but we're not neurologists.
I told her my worries about the artery getting more damaged. She told me to not think about it. If the artery were to close off, my body would make another path. She feels because I'm functioning at the level I am, I'm healing and have blood flow to my brain. She also feels like if I focus too much energy on worrying about the artery I'll spiral down even more. There's nothing I can do to heal the artery besides what I'm already doing. So worrying about the artery will only make things worse.
So what do I do?
-One thing is to talk with my therapist & general doctor. I may need to adjust my medicine and I need to see my therapist more-much more. Weekly if possible. I need more intense therapy right now. That may require changing therapists to one I can get into more often. That stresses me because I really like who I see.
-I need to be more real. I need to share more what I'm feeling. I need to get it out there. I need to talk with others. Blogging here is a good thing for me. I need to be more real with my writings though. I need to not show just the good days or the really big struggles. I need to show the every day. The great times, the break downs-more real feelings.
-I need to continue to try to get back into my normal life, but slowly like I've been doing. I still have to not lift heavy things, and use caution with lifting. She told me not to drive and do things that overwhelm me because it'll make everything worse.
-She asked me if I could leave the house and stay somewhere else to get away from everything. Johann has asked me the same thing. I just can't do it. I can't walk away from my family. It could help speed up my healing, but I can't do it. I can't leave my kids to be raised by others. (I think I have some control issues too!!)
-I go back in May for an MRI to check healing of the artery. Until then-I need to not worry about the artery.
HOW do I we live with less stress? That's the Million dollar question right now.
HOW do I get past my depression?
HOW do I move forward from here?
There was a lot for me to wrap my head around today. I feel like I'm wimping out now because I could be doing things like before and I can't. It makes me feel more depressed that I can't do so many things without feeling so overwhelmed. Why can others handle bad things in their lives and be alright with it. Why can't I do it?
I have lots of questions right now.
WHY did this happen to me?
HOW can I get past everything and move forward?
WHAT do I do to move forward & heal?
WHEN will things get better & back to "normal"?
I'm struggling to figure this all out myself. I feel very stalled. I feel. I don't know how I really feel. I just know I have to get better. I have to heal. I have 4 kids that need their mom healthy and happy. I have a husband who loves me and wants me around. I HAVE TO HEAL. I just need to figure out how. I need help figuring this all out.
Monday, March 3, 2014
Physical Progress
"At physical therapy today I was re-timed doing a peg board I did at my 1st apt. 3 weeks ago it took me 40 seconds and I was almost in tears of frustration because my coordination was so bad. Today I did it in 21 seconds standing up and I almost had tears of joy!!! I played catch and have way more energy today then I had before. Physically I've made so many improvements. I still have a ways to go. Mentally I have lots of work but everyday I'm improving and I can't be more excited!" Facebook post 3-3-2014
It's awesome to see the physical improvements I've made over the last 3 and a half weeks. I've given up my cane, and my walking speed is getting more normal. My body has relearned how to walk without "thinking" about it as much. I still have to think about stepping over things or going up & down stairs.
Today I sat on an exercise ball and practiced balancing. I could lift my right foot and keep my balance fairly well. When I went to lift my left foot I froze. I couldn't think of how to lift my left foot and stay balance. When I was able to lift my left foot I couldn't stay sitting straight. I had to have a lot of help sitting correctly. My PT was excited to find a new challenge to work on!
Today we also played catch. My 1st throw didn't even hit the trampoline and went off under the exercise equipment. We had a good laugh over that bad throw! After a few tries I has able to throw the ball more into the middle of the trampoline and catch it. I had some weird rigid movements when I went to catch it. I was even able to one hand catch with my right hand!
I feel so less clumsy and awkward with my right hand. I can turn things over and pick things up and look & feel pretty normal doing it. At first my hand was turned in at an unnatural angle and now it acts like it did pre-stroke. My right pinky still doesn't like to work but I've learned to do things without it.
It's awesome to see the physical improvements I've made over the last 3 and a half weeks. I've given up my cane, and my walking speed is getting more normal. My body has relearned how to walk without "thinking" about it as much. I still have to think about stepping over things or going up & down stairs.
Today I sat on an exercise ball and practiced balancing. I could lift my right foot and keep my balance fairly well. When I went to lift my left foot I froze. I couldn't think of how to lift my left foot and stay balance. When I was able to lift my left foot I couldn't stay sitting straight. I had to have a lot of help sitting correctly. My PT was excited to find a new challenge to work on!
Today we also played catch. My 1st throw didn't even hit the trampoline and went off under the exercise equipment. We had a good laugh over that bad throw! After a few tries I has able to throw the ball more into the middle of the trampoline and catch it. I had some weird rigid movements when I went to catch it. I was even able to one hand catch with my right hand!
I feel so less clumsy and awkward with my right hand. I can turn things over and pick things up and look & feel pretty normal doing it. At first my hand was turned in at an unnatural angle and now it acts like it did pre-stroke. My right pinky still doesn't like to work but I've learned to do things without it.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Connecting at Church
I arranged it with a friend to go to church quietly and only stay for the sacrament portion. As we were sitting out on the couch we heard that a baby was going to be blessed, so we went into the back of the chapel to watch. I was so glad that sweet baby was being blessed today. I loved going into the chapel and seeing my ward family. I miss going to church. I miss seeing everyone and watching their kids grow up.
Claire, a sweet little girl I taught in sunbeams, spotted me. She gave me a huge smile, told her mom she saw me and pointed to me. It made my heart swell! I loved teaching those precious little ones.
Malia an eight year old got baptized on Saturday so she went up so everyone could see her. I reflected back on when I first saw her. She was just a baby and walking! It's hard to believe she's 8 now.
I realized as I sat and looked around that I knew so many people there. I knew something about them. I knew their kids names. They had touched my life in some way.
I've come to realize that the "connect" part of my goal this year was connecting with friends (which includes my church family) and not just with my given family. Out of this hard trial I'm seeing so many blessings and lessons learned.
We left before the meeting ended. Oh how my spirit was lifted today just being in the chapel with my church family.
Claire, a sweet little girl I taught in sunbeams, spotted me. She gave me a huge smile, told her mom she saw me and pointed to me. It made my heart swell! I loved teaching those precious little ones.
Malia an eight year old got baptized on Saturday so she went up so everyone could see her. I reflected back on when I first saw her. She was just a baby and walking! It's hard to believe she's 8 now.
I realized as I sat and looked around that I knew so many people there. I knew something about them. I knew their kids names. They had touched my life in some way.
I've come to realize that the "connect" part of my goal this year was connecting with friends (which includes my church family) and not just with my given family. Out of this hard trial I'm seeing so many blessings and lessons learned.
We left before the meeting ended. Oh how my spirit was lifted today just being in the chapel with my church family.
These shoes are made for walking
Today I'm going to church! I put on my skirt, shirt and boots. I was sitting on the bed when I put my boots on. When I stood up I was almost fell over. My balance is still figuring it's self out. I've found that my Keen's are the best shoes for balancing and walking. So even though they may not be warm in this frigid Iowa winter were having, they're easiest for me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)