This morning after the kids left for school I sat down to play the piano. I pulled out "I Dream a Dream" from Les Miserables and played it no problem. I love this song. I read the words as I played. Then I read them again and again. I started seeing my life in the words of the song. I started seeing how the song could be put into so many different parts of life. How I can feel just like the end of the song, or I can make a different ending to it.
"I dreamed a dream in times gone by.
When hope was high and life worth living.
I dreamed that love would never die.
I dreamed that God would be forgiving."
When we got married 15 years ago we were so in love. It was just the 2 of us. We had so much fun. We went camping, hiking, stayed up late, slept in together. Life was calm and uncomplicated.
Then we had our 1st child. A sweet baby boy who we adored. Life was giving me what I had dreamed of. I was married, we had a sweet baby, we owned a house and we were comfortable. We had a 2nd child. A beautiful little girl. They adored each other and were best friends.
"But the Tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder."
After our beautiful daughter postpartum depression roared it's ugly face.
We got through it.
Our 3rd child was born. A strong little boy with a full head of brown hair.
But the calm after his birth was soon shattered.
17 days into life he stopped breathing in my arms.
He survived and we've seen his strength ten fold since.
I thought I survived it too, but I was consumed with headaches.
I found a homeopathic lady that helped me and my headaches went away.
Life was calm again.
We were learning to have faith and trust in life again.
We decided to have our 4th and final child
We moved to a new house in an amazing neighborhood and our oldest started kindergarten at an awesome school.
Then life through us a MAJOR curveball.
Our oldest son who was just 5 years old was diagnosed with bi-phenotypic acute leukemia.
The next 3 1/2 years were hard.
Torture sometimes.
We didn't have a choice to be anything but strong.
We all fought hard.
Our 4th and final child, a calm little girl, joined our family.
He prevailed over the cancer.
We made it through too.
Then life took a slower, more predictable turn.
The everyday life moments were happening.
But my stress level was on high.
I was getting sick every few weeks.
My body was telling me it was tired.
I had to stop nursing our youngest before a she was year old.
It broke my heart to pieces!
Now we have 3 in school.
A relapse scare for the oldest because of hip pain.
A mysterious spot on the growth plate of our oldest daughter.
And multiple stress fractures.
Months of tests and unknown for the 2 oldest.
Then the 4th started preschool.
The oldest start Junior High.
I was alone for the 1st time in 12 years.
I didn't know what to do.
I didn't know who I was.
Where was I in my own dream?
Then my leg started to hurt.
6 weeks, 2 steroid shots & 1 round of antibiotics later.
A benign cyst the size of the grape was removed.
Mysterious spot is still on the growth plate and stress fractures still there.
Hip pain for the oldest isn't going away.
More tests, more unknown, more unanswered questions.
3 headaches a week.
Headaches I hate you!
I starting to get not being able to function headaches.
I'm diagnosed with depression and anxiety and start treatment.
Headache medicine doesn't work, so we stop.
I'm embarrassed and ashamed but empowered.
Headaches get worse.
5 headaches a week now.
My back goes out.
Herniated disk hitting a nerve.
My neck hurts.
Shot in my back and it chills out.
My neck hurts.
So does my head.
Debilitating headaches most days now.
I need help.
I need help NOW!
I get x-rays of my neck.
Looks fine.
I get muscle relaxers-does nothing.
I get desperate.
My Physical therapist massages my neck.
No relief.
I get more desperate.
I go to a chiropractor.
Don't like him.
I go to another.
LOVE him.
2 days no headaches!!!
Amazing!!!
Another visit-not so good.
Headaches are still coming.
Another visit-it's Feb 6th.
We just got thrown under the bus with NO warning.
My tigers have been coming for years.
Some have started out as calm little babies that slowly grew over time. Others started out as fierce angry grown tigers. I've been able to calm quite a few of them. It's taken lots of time and patience, but I've been able to do it.
I've realized though that there's always been this tiger that's been growing in the corner that I've been ignoring. It's slowly been getting bigger and stronger over the years. It's been gaining it's strength from me and I've quietly been letting it. I guess I thought it would always just stay nicely in the corner.
But I was wrong.
"There are dreams that cannot be.
There are storms we cannot weather.
I had a dream my life would be.
So different from this hell I'm living.
So different now from what it seemed.
Now life has killed the dream I dream."
I thought I was invincible. That all the trials we've had in our life weren't that big of a deal. People deal with bigger things all the time. Our 4 kids were healthy and the boys had both survived their near fatal illnesses. I thought I could handle what was being sent our way. I thought I could over come them no problem. I thought I had over come them and that they had made me stronger so I could withstand more the next time.
Then I had a trial happen to me.
I realized how weak I really was.
I realized my tiger was HUGE.
I crumbled.
I broke down.
I wasn't living in my dream anymore.
I was living in the hell of my trial.
My life wasn't at all what I thought it would be.
This trial's killed the dream I had from the beginning.
So here comes in the part about rewriting the ending to the song.
Rewriting the next part of our life.
Some days-some moments I'm living in hell.
Other's I can see the peace and calm.
Some days I have storms that I can't get through.
Other days it's sunny and clear.
I'm learning.
I'm trying.
I'm doing my best.
I still dream a dream.
I'm still writing the ending to my dream.
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