Snapping my fingers

It's been 1 month.
I was told to not do anything for a month.
I was naive enough a month ago to think that when I hit the end of the month that life would magically return to it was before Feb 6th.
Maybe I thought I'd wake up, snap my fingers and it'd all go away.

That was then.
This is now.
It's been a month.

I can snap my fingers (hooray for that ability) all I want.
But it won't do anything besides make a sound.
This isn't a movie where magic like that happens.
This is real life.
This is our life.
No amount of snapping my fingers will change that.

Part of me wants to go see the chiropractor.
Give him a big hug.
Tell him it's alright.
Tell him I forgive him.
Tell him this was part of my lives plan.
This was meant to happen.
Why?
It just was.

But I'm not there.
Yet.
Someday I want to see him again.
But not now.

Now I need to learn to take a step forward everyday.
I need to learn to conquer my fears.
I need to learn to live my life.
This life.
Not the one from a month ago.
Not the one one month from now.
Or the one a year from now.
Today.
This day.
This life.
Right now.

Right now I'm feeling positive.
I'm seeing progress.
I'm alright with where I am.

Tuesday I wasn't alright.
Tuesday I want to crawl in a hole.
I wanted someone else to snap their fingers.
I wanted them to snap their fingers and give me the answers.
I wanted instant results.
Don't we all.

I'm not a patient person.
Is patience the lesson I needed to learn?
Maybe.
Or long suffering.
Or letting others serve our family.
Or I don't know.

I do know that I'm moving forward.
And that I'm stuck.
I want to get better.
I haven't always wanted this.
I do now.

Yes I know I was lucky.
Yes I know I will be fine.
Yes I know I'll drive again.
Yes I know I'll be able to organize out lives on my own again.
Yes I know I can get past this "block".
Yes I know.

I also know that I have to do it in my own time.
I have to let myself relearn.
I have to let myself fail.
I have to let my kids learn.
And fail.
Then learn again.

I have to have faith.
Faith that I can get past it all.
Faith that I will drive again.
Faith that my fears will lesson.
Faith that can do this on my own again.
Faith to be alright with our new normal.
Faith that this is temporary.
Faith.
I have faith.
I also have fear.
It's a battle.
A battle raging inside me.
Faith and fear.
Who will win?

It's been a month.
I just snapped my fingers.
Sounds just like before.