Oxygen Masks

I've started to write down my feelings 3 times over the last 10 days and I wasn't able to get down what was really in my mind. I feel like I'm still struggling getting it out, but I've gotten something down.

The last few weeks I've been doing a lot of organizing, cleaning and clearing out in our house. I spent an entire day in the girls room. From top to bottom that room was gone through. At the end of the day I had an entire trash bag of trash, a trash bag of outgrown clothes of Rebecca's, a bag of outgrown Corrine clothes to save for Rebecca and a doesn't belong in here pile all put away.

Then I tackled my closet. I went through all my clothes and gave them a long hard look. I got rid of the ones I'd been holding onto until I lost those 20 pounds. I got rid of the ones I had because they were cute, but didn't really fit very good. I got rid of the ones I hadn't worn in years, but hadn't been able to let go of. In the end I had 3 trash bags full of clothes & shoes out of my closet, out of my way, out of my life. Now when I open my closet I only have clothes that I like and are comfortable wearing in there. There's elbow room. I can see what I have. I love the open feeling.

That's what I feel like I now need to do mentally. Over the years I've let things build up in my mind and heart. I've taken things too personally.
I've held onto guilt over things I've said or done.
I've held onto hurt feelings from years ago.
I've held onto insecurities.
I've held onto so much mental baggage that the weight I've put on myself is too much for me to bear anymore.

Just like my closet that's been de-cluttered, I need to do that mentally. I need to make some elbow room in myself. I need to get rid of the things that really don't matter, things that don't fit anymore, things that aren't bringing me joy. And then I need to find myself. For 13 years I put everything into being a mom to our 4 kids, that I forgot to be me. I let what I needed and wanted sit on the back burner and be ignored for so long that it didn't exist anymore. I lost sight of myself.

They tell you if you're traveling with little ones, to 1st put your oxygen mask on, then help the little ones with their masks. That's the same with motherhood and life. I needed to put on my oxygen mask before I put them on the kids. I needed to remember my needs and desires. I needed to remember that I wasn't just a wife and mom, that I was a daughter, a sister, a friend and a woman. I needed to take care of my basic needs before everyone else had their wants attended to.

I need to figure out who Kari is.
Who am I?
What do I like to do?
What makes me happy?
What are my talents?
What do I want to learn?
Where do I fit in?

It took me years of piling on baggage mental that it's going to take some time for me to get rid of it.

The wild side of me wants to scream and throw dishes shattering them into a million pieces. The good side of me tells me not to cause a scene and that if I broke the dishes I'd have to clean them up. It's a battle I'm fighting with myself right now.

I feel like Elsa from Frozen. Conceal, don't feel, don't let them in. I've done those for years. Now it's time to open up, feel and let others in. I just need to figure out how.