Pushing myself

The last week I'm been pushing myself to do new things. And the side effect of these new adventures is usually nauseousness during then exhaustion afterwards.
It feels good to get out and do some of the regular things I did before.
Tuesday I went to the mall play area to help celebrate a friends birthday. I got a ride both ways-it's too far for me to drive right now. It was alot of fun and I felt great the whole time there. I even went into Old Navy and got myself a new sweatshirt. I didn't get overwhelmed by the kids running around or noise. The next day I was toast though. I ended up taking a nap and stayed in my pj's for a good chunk of the day.
Today I had my LAST physical therapy appointment!!! WAHOO!! Seven weeks & 1 day since my stroke and I've advanced so much that there isn't a lot I can do there anymore. We reviewed things I could do at home to further my progress. My large motor skills are doing good. It's the fine motor skills I still need to improve. I'm struggling with getting my credit card out of my wallet, paying, signing, then putting the card back. I feel very uncoordinated and clumsy whenever I check out at a store. I struggle with signing my name and I'm not completely sure why. I'm not sure if I get physically tired or if it's a mental block, or a combination of both. My right hand sometimes still curls up into it's self in an unnatural position.
I get nauseous driving, just not as much as before. I can drive and have been expanding my range this week. I'm having a hard time backing up. I don't like to turn my head so I need to turn my whole upper body, and I get dizzy from turning my head. I've learned to park farther away from other cars, so I can pull through or having more room to back up.
After physcial therapy I went to my 1st store alone. It went good. It was a small quiet store so I was able to walk down all the isles and not feel overwhelmed. I went to Goodwill to drop a few bags off and to look around inside.
Going to the grocery store is harder for me to do. We went down a few isles and did great then I started to feel so overwhelmed. I needed to put my sunglasses on and get out of there as fast as possible. I helped Rebecca get into the back of the cart, but by the time we were done I was so tired. I ended asking a worker to pick her out of the cart for me. I'm grateful our store will load your groceries into your car for you, because there was no way I was going to be able to push the cart out and load them myself.

Medically-I'm struggling with my neurologist. She minimizes everything I talk to her about, or finds another thing to put them onto. I'm struggling with hyper-sensitivity to light. She says it's from my migraines and I don't need to see a neuro-ophthalmologist about my eyes. I haven't heard anything about seeing the headache clinic so I asked her about it. She told me the doctor moved out of the state so I should do a 1 day study and see if that helps.
I was feeling frustrated being so pushed aside from her that I went ahead and emailing the headache clinic and the neuro-ophthalmologist myself. The headache clinic told me I'm on the waiting list and the wait time is 6-9 months! Yikes. I need to do something before 6-9 months or I might just end up back in the same boat I'm in now. I sent the neuro-ophthalmologist a long email telling them what had happened after the stroke with the blind spot & zig-zag lines and that I'm still dealing with some blurriness in my left eye and hyper sensitivity to light. They took me seriously and got me in on April 21st. I'm grateful they took my concerns seriously.

Mentally I still need to take it slowly. The kids are learning to repeat, repeat, give me more back ground info, repeat again and to show me things rather then just tell me and to be more patient with me. We've been blessed with some pretty great kids!

Everyday I'm moving forward and feeling confident in my abilities. I'm so grateful for the progress I've made this far.

Finding the kid in me

I saw my new therapist today and I loved her. We got to know each other and see told me she can tell I'm a playful person. Years ago I used to love to play like a kid, but I've forgotten that fun side of me. A few weeks back all 4 of our kids were wet, muddy and having a great time. It was so typical of us. I let the kids get dirty and have fun, but not nearly as often as before.
Also she told me I'm a highly sensitive person, not sensitive in feelings (even though I am that too) but sensitive with my 5 senses, which is so true. She gave me some reading suggestions. One of the books talks about how to survive when the world overwhelms you. That is so me. Reading out of a book has been such a struggle for me since my stoke. I have to cover up the other page and part of the page I'm on, or I get overwhelmed by all the lines and letters. I'm going to figure out a way to read these because I know they could really help me.
After my appointment I walked to another building to check out a business. It felt and smelled amazing being outside. I loved it. It had rained and it was wet and man it smelled so good. I need to get outside more.
I'm going to see her weekly for a while to work through my stress, not just from my stroke, but from all the things we've gone through.
Just last week I asked Johann why do we have to have so many hard things happen to our family. Why can't we have it easier? Why do so many trails and struggles come to us? He didn't have an answer, but he understands where I'm coming from.
I think all the stressful things that have come our way have taken the playful spontaneous spirit out of me. I need to find that side of me and encourage it to come back out. I like to run, ride bikes, roller blade, play in the mud, make sand castles, swing high into the sky, climb rocks and hills, have picnics, go to zoo's and waterparks. I need to find the kid in me again. I know finding the kid in me again will help me feel more alive.
She suggested doing a mud run when I'm fully recovered. I would LOVE to do a mud run.

It's time to find the spontaneous fun loving kid in me again!

Oxygen Masks

I've started to write down my feelings 3 times over the last 10 days and I wasn't able to get down what was really in my mind. I feel like I'm still struggling getting it out, but I've gotten something down.

The last few weeks I've been doing a lot of organizing, cleaning and clearing out in our house. I spent an entire day in the girls room. From top to bottom that room was gone through. At the end of the day I had an entire trash bag of trash, a trash bag of outgrown clothes of Rebecca's, a bag of outgrown Corrine clothes to save for Rebecca and a doesn't belong in here pile all put away.

Then I tackled my closet. I went through all my clothes and gave them a long hard look. I got rid of the ones I'd been holding onto until I lost those 20 pounds. I got rid of the ones I had because they were cute, but didn't really fit very good. I got rid of the ones I hadn't worn in years, but hadn't been able to let go of. In the end I had 3 trash bags full of clothes & shoes out of my closet, out of my way, out of my life. Now when I open my closet I only have clothes that I like and are comfortable wearing in there. There's elbow room. I can see what I have. I love the open feeling.

That's what I feel like I now need to do mentally. Over the years I've let things build up in my mind and heart. I've taken things too personally.
I've held onto guilt over things I've said or done.
I've held onto hurt feelings from years ago.
I've held onto insecurities.
I've held onto so much mental baggage that the weight I've put on myself is too much for me to bear anymore.

Just like my closet that's been de-cluttered, I need to do that mentally. I need to make some elbow room in myself. I need to get rid of the things that really don't matter, things that don't fit anymore, things that aren't bringing me joy. And then I need to find myself. For 13 years I put everything into being a mom to our 4 kids, that I forgot to be me. I let what I needed and wanted sit on the back burner and be ignored for so long that it didn't exist anymore. I lost sight of myself.

They tell you if you're traveling with little ones, to 1st put your oxygen mask on, then help the little ones with their masks. That's the same with motherhood and life. I needed to put on my oxygen mask before I put them on the kids. I needed to remember my needs and desires. I needed to remember that I wasn't just a wife and mom, that I was a daughter, a sister, a friend and a woman. I needed to take care of my basic needs before everyone else had their wants attended to.

I need to figure out who Kari is.
Who am I?
What do I like to do?
What makes me happy?
What are my talents?
What do I want to learn?
Where do I fit in?

It took me years of piling on baggage mental that it's going to take some time for me to get rid of it.

The wild side of me wants to scream and throw dishes shattering them into a million pieces. The good side of me tells me not to cause a scene and that if I broke the dishes I'd have to clean them up. It's a battle I'm fighting with myself right now.

I feel like Elsa from Frozen. Conceal, don't feel, don't let them in. I've done those for years. Now it's time to open up, feel and let others in. I just need to figure out how.

No more Driving Miss Daisy everywhere

I've already gotten one of my homework assignments done. WAHOO!! No procrastinating for me!

Johann was excited to take me driving on Saturday. He said it would be good practice for him since Simeon could be getting his drivers permit in just over a year. YIKES!! How are these kids growing up so fast?! I'm not sure a permit at 14 is the best idea, but we don't even need to think about that for over a year, so I won't think about it until I have to.

Back to me driving. It went good. Better then I thought it was going to. Johann didn't even need to slam his left foot down or grab the door handle to brace himself! Of course the speed limit was 25 and I'm not sure I ever went that fast.

Things went well until we got to the grocery store. As soon as we got in the store I was hit with a wave of nauseousness. It settled down until we hit aisle 2 and I hardly kept my lunch down. I still struggle turning my head quickly without getting dizzy, and too much stimuli at one time is hard so I think those are some of the reasons it happened.

Today I drove the kids to church and stayed in the chapel with them for the entire sacrament meeting. Then I went home and rested in the quiet until I needed to go pick them up. I'm grateful for every red light I get stopped at now since they give me an opportunity to slow down the stimuli coming at me. I don't drift to the right, but my right arm does feel weaker then before.

I'm pretty excited to be driving again. I have a pretty small radius that I'll drive in. I don't want to go on any heavily traveled or fast roads. Thankfully the grocery store, physical therapy, my new therapist and a drug store are all within 2 miles of my house so I can drive myself to those places. My favorite stores sadly don't fit into my radius right now. Johann may think that's a good thing actually! In a few weeks I'll broaden my driving area out, but I'm not planning to do all the driving I did before.

So if you see a light blue van near my house going under the speed limit-it's probably me getting back into my life. Don't worry I won't run you off the road or drive up the curbs!

EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

I decided to switch to a new therapist so that I can get in weekly right now. They sent me a packet of forms to fill out. It was thick!
As I'm filling it out I came to the medical questioner form. The typical questions are there-heart attack, high cholesterol, diabetes, stroke, cancer, etc... I froze. For the 1st time I had to mark "stroke", then in the 'other' I had to write in 'vertebral artery dissection'. It hit me hard and I realized that for the rest of my life EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I fill out a medical questioner I'll have to mark "stroke" and "vertebral artery dissection".

EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Sadly these marks are going to go against me for the rest of my life. I doubt my life insurance will renew my policy when it expires. Thankfully health insurance can't deny me coverage, because they could for this.

EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Then I came to the page to fill in all my medicines. Up until 6 months ago I only took vitamins. Then I added 2 medicines, and since February 6th I've added another 9 medicines. (I've since been able to stop taking 2 of them.) I looked and saw 'stroke' marked and a table covered in medicines and it made me sad, and mad.

Some of my medicines could be lifetime medicines. Yes I know I should be greatful to be alive and be able to take them. I know that. I know others take more medicines. Lots more. I know I'm lucky. I know this could have turned out worse. Way worse. But it's still hard. And I have to learn to live with having to possibly take medicines for this for the rest of my life. Every time I take them I have to be reminded about why I have to take them. Doesn't sound very fun to me.

As I'm slowly getting back into our routine every day life, I'm starting to see the permanent changes that won't or can't go away because of what happened. It's making me feel frustrated and not forgiving towards the chiropractor. I'm trying to let it go and stay forgiving, but it's getting harder. I know it's not Christlike of me to not be forgiving. I'm just not there right now. I pray to get back to that some day.

EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Answers & Homework

Last October when I hit rock bottom things worked out just right for me to meet a wonderful doctor. I saw her a few weeks ago to check in. We decided it was best if I came back to see her every few weeks until things settle back down.

Yesterday I had an appointment with her and we had a great talk. I had some questions and she helped me with the answers. Before this all happened I was already sensitive to light, sounds, smells and motion. Now they are all so much stronger. I've already found some things that help with each new sensitivity.

Light-I used to open every blind and door when it was sunny to let the light in. Now I have keep them closed. The sun is too bright and can give me headaches even inside. The ceiling fan lights are too bright for me so I need to use softer indirect lights now. I wear my sunglasses anytime I leave the house and I also wear hats to block the sun. Sometimes I even wear a hat in the house to block the direct lights from the ceiling lights. I think it's time to invest in some cute hats!

Hearing-I hear things so much better now. I can be in the front room and someone can be in the kitchen opening the cupboards and I can tell them which one they are opening and is it's the correct one to get what they're looking for. The kids normal everyday noises can send me into my room under pillows to get away from the sounds. I can't concentrate with more then one person talking or someone moving and talking. The kids are figuring out to talk slower and to give me more time to figure out what they are telling me.

Smell-I can smell things so much stronger. I had to give some trash bags away because the smell was making me sick. Maybe the kids are benefiting (or getting frustrated with me) from my super sensitive smelling and are getting asked to take more showers-lots more!

Motion sickness- I used to get motion sickness on spinning rides, or if the kids ran in circles around me, but now it's so much worse. Driving as passenger is making me horribly sick. If the kids are jumping or spinning I have to close my eyes. It's horrible. I'm still trying to figure this one out. Hopefully driving will be better then being the passenger.

My doctor told me these are all normal and common side effects from brain trauma. It could take up to a year before these side effects go away. I was encouraged to hear that they are normal and I'm not going crazy. It stinks to be so super sensitive right now. I'm going to need to find ways to live with my sensitivities until they lesson.

The other part of the appointment was talking about what I can do to help myself move forward. Or in other words my homework. I like that my doctor gives me concrete things to do. Right now I need that. 

Homework assignments

1. Exercise 15 minutes a day for a week, then go up to 30 mins a day and then to 45 minutes. This will help with 2 things-boosting my energy level and helping me to drop some of the pounds I've put on the last 5 weeks.
2. Drive this weekend. Fear and hopefully not ability is holding me back. My vision is normal, my physical strength is there, so I just need to conquer myself. I told her I was afraid if I started driving that I'd have to jump back into everything I was doing before. I was told not to do that. I need to take it slowly. Next week Johann will drive his truck and leave the van at the house so I have the option to drive where as I haven't had that option since this all happened.
3. Look into Child Life Specialist degree. This is something I've wanted to do for a while but I didn't pursue it because I felt selfish taking all the time away from our family for my own personal desires. I also would love to volunteer at the hospital as a baby rocker. I met the volunteer coordinator last year and she wanted me to become one. So I'm suppose to look into these and see what it would take to do them. To do something that makes me happy.
4. Go to weekly therapy sessions with my new therapist.

Dreams and Tigers

This morning after the kids left for school I sat down to play the piano. I pulled out "I Dream a Dream" from Les Miserables and played it no problem. I love this song. I read the words as I played. Then I read them again and again. I started seeing my life in the words of the song. I started seeing how the song could be put into so many different parts of life. How I can feel just like the end of the song, or I can make a different ending to it.

"I dreamed a dream in times gone by.
When hope was high and life worth living.
I dreamed that love would never die.
I dreamed that God would be forgiving."

When we got married 15 years ago we were so in love. It was just the 2 of us. We had so much fun. We went camping, hiking, stayed up late, slept in together. Life was calm and uncomplicated.
Then we had our 1st child. A sweet baby boy who we adored. Life was giving me what I had dreamed of. I was married, we had a sweet baby, we owned a house and we were comfortable. We had a 2nd child. A beautiful little girl. They adored each other and were best friends.

"But the Tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder."

After our beautiful daughter postpartum depression roared it's ugly face.
We got through it.
Our 3rd child was born. A strong little boy with a full head of brown hair.
But the calm after his birth was soon shattered.
17 days into life he stopped breathing in my arms.
He survived and we've seen his strength ten fold since.
I thought I survived it too, but I was consumed with headaches.
I found a homeopathic lady that helped me and my headaches went away.
Life was calm again.
We were learning to have faith and trust in life again.
We decided to have our 4th and final child
We moved to a new house in an amazing neighborhood and our oldest started kindergarten at an awesome school.
Then life through us a MAJOR curveball.
Our oldest son who was just 5 years old was diagnosed with bi-phenotypic acute leukemia.
The next 3 1/2 years were hard.
Torture sometimes.
We didn't have a choice to be anything but strong.
We all fought hard.
Our 4th and final child, a calm little girl, joined our family.
He prevailed over the cancer.
We made it through too.
Then life took a slower, more predictable turn.
The everyday life moments were happening.
But my stress level was on high.
I was getting sick every few weeks.
My body was telling me it was tired.
I had to stop nursing our youngest before a she was year old.
It broke my heart to pieces!
Now we have 3 in school.
A relapse scare for the oldest because of hip pain.
A mysterious spot on the growth plate of our oldest daughter.
And multiple stress fractures.
Months of tests and unknown for the 2 oldest.
Then the 4th started preschool.
The oldest start Junior High.
I was alone for the 1st time in 12 years.
I didn't know what to do.
I didn't know who I was.
Where was I in my own dream?
Then my leg started to hurt.
6 weeks, 2 steroid shots & 1 round of antibiotics later.
A benign cyst the size of the grape was removed.
Mysterious spot is still on the growth plate and stress fractures still there.
Hip pain for the oldest isn't going away.
More tests, more unknown, more unanswered questions.
3 headaches a week.
Headaches I hate you!
I starting to get not being able to function headaches.
I'm diagnosed with depression and anxiety and start treatment.
Headache medicine doesn't work, so we stop.
I'm embarrassed and ashamed but empowered.
Headaches get worse.
5 headaches a week now.
My back goes out.
Herniated disk hitting a nerve.
My neck hurts.
Shot in my back and it chills out.
My neck hurts.
So does my head.
Debilitating headaches most days now.
I need help.
I need help NOW!
I get x-rays of my neck.
Looks fine.
I get muscle relaxers-does nothing.
I get desperate.
My Physical therapist massages my neck.
No relief.
I get more desperate.
I go to a chiropractor.
Don't like him.
I go to another.
LOVE him.
2 days no headaches!!!
Amazing!!!
Another visit-not so good.
Headaches are still coming.
Another visit-it's Feb 6th.
We just got thrown under the bus with NO warning.

My tigers have been coming for years.
Some have started out as calm little babies that slowly grew over time. Others started out as fierce angry grown tigers. I've been able to calm quite a few of them. It's taken lots of time and patience, but I've been able to do it.
I've realized though that there's always been this tiger that's been growing in the corner that I've been ignoring. It's slowly been getting bigger and stronger over the years. It's been gaining it's strength from me and I've quietly been letting it. I guess I thought it would always just stay nicely in the corner.

But I was wrong.

"There are dreams that cannot be.
There are storms we cannot weather.
I had a dream my life would be.
So different from this hell I'm living.
So different now from what it seemed.
Now life has killed the dream I dream."

I thought I was invincible. That all the trials we've had in our life weren't that big of a deal. People deal with bigger things all the time. Our 4 kids were healthy and the boys had both survived their near fatal illnesses. I thought I could handle what was being sent our way. I thought I could over come them no problem. I thought I had over come them and that they had made me stronger so I could withstand more the next time.

Then I had a trial happen to me.
I realized how weak I really was.
I realized my tiger was HUGE.
I crumbled.
I broke down.
I wasn't living in my dream anymore.
I was living in the hell of my trial.
My life wasn't at all what I thought it would be.
This trial's killed the dream I had from the beginning.

So here comes in the part about rewriting the ending to the song.
Rewriting the next part of our life.
Some days-some moments I'm living in hell.
Other's I can see the peace and calm.
Some days I have storms that I can't get through.
Other days it's sunny and clear.
I'm learning.
I'm trying.
I'm doing my best.

I still dream a dream.
I'm still writing the ending to my dream.